


Veridis Quo

by neon_bible



Series: Discovery [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Bottom Hux, Crack, Drunk Sex, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Evil Space Boyfriends, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Smut, Hangover, Hate Sex, Heavy Drinking, Hux is So Done, IHOP, IKEA Furniture, Love/Hate, M/M, Power Bottom Kylo Ren, Top Hux, Top Kylo Ren, Uber, admiral ackbar fucked up, airbnb, beer pong, birkenstocks, but no one will mind, command shuttle sex, first order conference, hux and leia hate each other, hux gets his first blowjob, more smut than i'd planned on, ren and hux have a dyanmic sex life ok?, road trip in space, that moment when you run into your parents in public, the morning after, too much talking during sex, under unfavorable circumstances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-05-29 11:59:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6373858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neon_bible/pseuds/neon_bible
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Phasma calls in sick, Hux is forced to attend a First Order Weaponry Summit on Corellia with Kylo Ren. Dreading the encounter, Hux calculates the number of hours he’ll have to spend in Ren’s presence, sixty-four (before incurring a three-hour delay) and counts down the hours until his sentence is up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**HOUR ONE [7 AM]**

Hux wheeled his suitcase onboard Ren’s command shuttle himself, wondering why there weren’t in-flight service attendants or baggage handlers waiting next to the ramp, offering to do this for him. Hux arrived, looking around the shuttle’s surprisingly hospitable antechamber. A plush Darth Vader rug. Several oddly-shaped IKEA lamps. Umbrella drip bags. A loveseat with a couple of geometric print throw pillows. A mid-century modern coffee table outfitted with a few issues of _GQ_ magazine. In front of Hux, the shuttle’s manifest, with a sign that read: _WELCOME! GUESTS, PLEASE SIGN-IN HERE AND LIST THE STUFF YOU BROUGHT TOO. THANKS. - KYLO REN_. By the looks of it, the sign had been produced by an inkjet printer that appeared to have been running desperately low on ink. Hux cringed at the blatant misuse of the First Order insignia, its shape terribly stretched out to an oval instead of a circle and monstrously pixelated.

Hux rolled his eyes and passed through the foyer and into the ship’s main cabin. A larger Darth Vader plush rug. More non-regulation IKEA furniture: An all-black sectional covered in more geometric print throw pillows, a couple of all-black swivel recliners, a grey waffle knit blanket, and another coffee table like the one in the foyer. On the table, a hookah pipe, flakes of dried tobacco, lighters, foil, trash, crumbs and a Banksy coffee table book _._ There was a 42-inch TV affixed to the wall. A few other decorative items dotted the space: A potted succulent style plant. Large brown wicker baskets filled mostly with trash and socks. A pair of Birkenstock sandals. An elephant-and-lotus-plant patterned wall tapestry behind the sofa. A red exercise ball. A pair of BowFlex SelectTech adjustable dumbbells.

There was a kitchenette, which, by the looks of it, Ren had gutted and replaced with an IKEA kitchen -- all black. On the countertop, a George Foreman Grill, a Vitamix and a four pound canister of Cookies and Cream casein protein powder. Hux rolled his eyes thoroughly, afraid to even check and see what Ren had done to the bathroom, but curiosity got the best of him. He peeked in, turning on the light. Another poorly printed sign with an ill-represented First Order insignia was taped to the place where the mirror was supposed to be. _PARDON OUR MESS! BATHROOM IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION. -REN._ Hux looked around. The tile was mostly torn up, the shower stall had no door. The sink had no faucet. But the toilet was intact. He shut off the light and went back out to the cabin. The entire space looked like a training ground for a free-spirited Swedish DIY-bodybuilder.

Hux looked around for any sign of a human presence. The crew hadn’t yet arrived. Ren hadn’t yet arrived. Hux checked his watch. The itinerary sent to his iPad had listed 0700 as their hour of departure, yet, at twenty til, the shuttle seemed completely unprepared for a cross-galaxy flight.

“Hello?” He called out in the unlikely event that there was someone on board to provide instruction on where to deposit his luggage and where to sit. No answer came. Hux rolled his eyes again and wheeled his suitcase over to a couple of rows of standard aircraft chairs, probably used only for take-off and landing given the sectional sofa and recliners, and took a seat in one of them, placing his own suitcase in the overhead compartment and shutting it. He sat in the seat and took off his hat, placing it in the empty seat next to him. In front of him, another 42-inch TV. Hux rolled his eyes, but switched it on and flipped through the First Order cable package channels before settling on CNN. About twenty minutes later, he heard a few sets of footsteps. Ren’s crew.

“General,” the pilot said, himself and the copilot standing at attention.

“Are we not to depart at 0700, as stated on the itinerary?” Hux asked.

“We are sir,” the pilot said, “We’re just waiting on Lord Ren to arrive.”

“Is he always late to his own shuttle?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Have you ever once departed on time?”

“No, sir.”

Hux had heard enough. He waved them on so they could at least prepared to take off when Ren finally did arrive. He turned his attention back to CNN as he heard the shuttle begin to rumble beneath him and looked through the window at the fueling crew. At least steps were being taken toward them actually departing the hangar at some point today. Hux watched the TV for a while, before opening Snapchat and sending Phasma a snap of the empty shuttle, overlaid with text: _fifteen minutes after seven and no sign of Ren,_ finished with a slew of question marks and an angry frustrated face emoji.

Phasma responded immediately. A picture of her and Millicent, comfortably in bed with a laugh-cry face emoji and the text: _I don’t think_ _he owns a timekeeping device, sir._

Hux’s mouth gaped. Snapchat wouldn’t do. He sent her a text.

_Hux: What?_

_Phasma: His phone is broken and he has no other timekeeping device._

Hux’s mind spun.

_Hux: He broke another phone? What about his iPad? Is there not a clock in his quarters?_

_Phasma: He lost his iPad I think. He had the clocks removed. He’s not interested in knowing the local time._

Hux couldn’t. He glared out the window, back down at the fueling crew. He had to squint to see through the windows. Ren had had the windows tinted, a ridiculous use of his designated First Order shuttle upkeep funds by Hux’s account, but he’d approved it anyways, not wanting to waste his time arguing with Ren about something as trifling as window tint. Hux turned his attention back to the TV and texted Phasma again.

_Hux: How’s my Millie? Has she taken her vitamins?_

Hux had had to leave Millicent in Phasma’s care. He’d packed Millicent’s bags, bed and condo and dropped her off that morning before heading to the shuttle. He’d asked Phasma to send him regular Snapchat updates. He missed her already.

_Phasma: Yes, she’s had her vitamins._

_Hux: Is her mineral water chilled yet?_

_Phasma: Yes, she had some after her vitamins._

_Hux: Did you brush her? She likes to be brushed before her morning nap._

_Phasma: YES, GENERAL. I brushed her. Jesus Christ._

_Hux: Thank you. Text me when she wakes from her nap. She’ll want her tuna-flavored dental health treats when she’s up._

Hux looked back up the TV, tired of CNN, and began flipping through the remaining channels, surprised when instead of looping back around when he reached the end of the First Order cable package, the channels kept coming. _Ren has U-Verse?_

Hux wasn’t sure who’d approved Ren’s U-Verse bill, but Hux was certain he hadn’t seen a special purchasing order cross his desk. Hux would have Ren’s U-Verse subscription cancelled immediately upon return, but for now he decided to take advantage of the premium movie channels. Hux was still flipping through movie channels, when twenty minutes later, he heard heavy footsteps stalking up the ramp, somehow shaking the entire shuttle.

_Ren._

Kylo Ren boarded, carrying with him a large black duffel bag, the zipper having been bursted by habitual overstuffing. Long robes and sleeves dragged the floor behind him, the hilt of a lightsaber sticking out. He was dressed in his full getup, helmet included and Hux rolled his eyes. Ren’s head cocked to the side.

“Where’s Captain Phasma?” He asked, the voice modulator making his question sound more like a command.

“No one is more disappointed than I am to report that she’s still under weather and not cleared for travel. I’ll accompany you to the First Order Weaponry Summit on Corellia.”  

Ren stared.

“You’re not serious?”

“I’m afraid I am.”

Ren sighed and continued boarding, the duffel and its contents dragging behind him on the floor. Hux could now see that Ren was wearing a backpack too. Both bags, Hux noted, were non-regulation. Ren shoved the duffel it into the same overhead container as Hux’s suitcase, forcing it closed, then reached up to take off his helmet.

Hux allowed himself a moment to panic. He figured, in the most distant far reaches of mind, that Kylo Ren had to take off his helmet at some point to eat or sneeze or sleep, but he wasn’t prepared for Ren to remove his helmet at any point during their eight hour trip to Corellia, or at any point that their paths should cross on the planet’s surface itself, or at any point on their eight hour trip home. Hux heard a hiss of air and couldn’t resist looking as Ren’s gloved hands lifted the helmet.

Hux had heard rumors that Ren closely resembled a frog, so much so that most weren’t sure if he was amphibian or human or both, and Hux imagined he looked something like an Animorph. At best, he’d heard that Ren was a bald human male, mid 50’s, no usable eyesight without the aid of the mask and no remaining teeth.

Ren removed the helmet and shook his hair out. A human male, certainly nowhere near 50, not frog-like in the least, the opposite of bald, a full set of teeth, dark wide eyes, creamy skin and full pink lips. Hux stared in horror.

“You’re in my seat,” Ren said.

“What?”

“My seat. That’s where I sit,” Ren said.

Hux had to stifle his disbelief at hearing Ren’s voice, unmodulated. It was small and simple. Soft and clean. Plain and unremarkable.

“You have to pick a different seat.”

Hux came to, searching for a quippy reply to hide how immediately taken he was with Ren. “Well there was no seat assignment listed on the itinerary and no shuttle staff to direct me where to sit when I arrived a customary twenty minutes before departure.”

“Well you can’t sit there,” Ren said.

Hux reluctantly stood, taking the opportunity to inspect Ren’s face in closer detail. Hux saw now that he had multiple tiny moles dotting his face. A rather large nose. Striking eyebrows and a strong jaw. He smelled like Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort bodywash. He was also chewing bubble gum. Ren stared back at him. Hux sat in the seat behind Ren, crossing his arms defiantly as Ren removed his backpack and sat too.

“Here, you forgot this,” Ren said, tossing Hux’s cap over the back of the seat and blowing a huge bubble.

Hux caught it just in time to keep it from landing on the floor that looked as it if hadn’t been swept in weeks.

“You’re late, you know,” Hux said.

“Late for what?” Ren asked, now digging through the bulky sack he’d brought on board.

“For our 0700 departure,” Hux said.

“When? Today?”

“Yes, today. We were supposed to depart almost forty-five minutes ago,” Hux said.

“According to who?”

“According to the itinerary I was sent by our flight logistics staff who carefully arranges departures and arrivals in such a way as to keep the hangar and its surrounding airspace from becoming too cluttered.”

“Oh, I didn’t get it,” Ren said, “I dropped my phone so it’s broken now.”

“Where’s your iPad?”

“I lost it a few weeks ago.”

Hux glared at Ren from above the seats, his ridiculous, non-regulation length hair falling over his eyes and face as he dug around for something and blew another bubble.

“And you weren’t going to request a replacement?”

“I’ve used up my replacements or something,” Ren said, still digging, “HR told me that if I want anymore phones or iPads, they’ll deduct it from my pay, which I don’t want to do. I’m saving up for a down payment for a treehouse on Endor.”

Hux stared.

“If I don’t fork over the payment soon, the developer will sell the tree to someone else,” Ren explained.

“You’ve used up _all six_ replacements for both your iPhone and your iPad?”

Ren nodded, gave up his digging and dumped the contents of his bag onto the seat. Hux couldn’t help but look at what Kylo Ren had deemed necessary of bringing on board. He peeked over the top of the seat. An assortment of snack foods: Cheddar cheese pringles, Cookie Crisp cereal, a box of grape Smucker’s _Uncrustables_ , pop tarts, Funyuns, pizza-flavored combos, gummi worms, gummi bears, store brand Peach-O’s, a half gallon of TruMoo chocolate milk, a bottle of Fanta orange soda, two Capri Sun pouches, and more bubble gum.

“Is there a child traveling on board?”

“No,” Ren said, poking through the contents, “Why do you ask?”

Hux sighed and looked at the rest of Ren’s items. A moleskine notebook and gel pens, a _Color Me Calm_ coloring book, hair ties and bobby pins, socks, lavender essential oil, prescription pill bottles of all shapes and sizes and an eye pillow.

“Fuck,” Ren muttered and stood. He went to the cockpit and returned a few moments later. Hux winced as Ren used an arm to swipe everything back into the bag, minus the chocolate milk, which he was now twisting open. He took out his gum and stuck it beneath his seat. He took a few noisy swigs directly from the jug, then turned to Hux, offering it to him.

“Want some milk?”

“No.”

Ren shrugged and turned back around, taking another few swigs and twisting the cap back on as the pilot instructed them to buckle up and prepare for take off. As they rose, the red exercise ball rolled around the cabin, back and forth in Hux’s peripheral view. Hux checked his phone. Ten til 0800 hours. A full fifty minutes late.

**HOUR TWO [9 AM]**

Hux looked through his window as they approached _Starkiller_ base. Unless Corellia had changed its coordinates or the summit was now taking place on _Starkiller_ , they were not on the right course.

“Why are we approaching _Starkiller_?” Hux murmured to himself.

“Hm?” Ren said, turning and sitting up a bit so he could see over the back of the seat.

“We’re approaching _Starkiller_.”

“Oh yeah,” Ren said, “I told the pilot we needed to make a stop. I left my retainer here.”

**HOUR THREE [10 AM]**

By the time they were actually on course for Corellia, it was nearly 1000 hours. Ren had spent forty-minutes on _Starkiller_ base retrieving his retainer, and they’d had to travel almost an hour out of the way to get there. Hux had resigned himself to his fate after realizing, only two and a half hours into his trip, that his blood pressure was nearing its boiling point. He relaxed now, instead focusing his energy on reading through _Finalizer_ personnel and systems updates he hadn’t yet had time to address, responding to emails flagged for follow-up and updating Phasma on the unbelievable situation in which he found himself.

“I found my iPad,” Ren said when he got back, buckling his seatbelt for take-off, “One of them at least.”

“Great,” Hux said, “We’re now three hours behind our itinerary.”

Ren shrugged as the shuttle lifted off. The exercise ball rolled around. “Want to see a picture of the tree I picked for my treehouse?” Ren said, flipping through his iPad.

“I don’t,” Hux said.

“Here it is,” Ren said, handing the iPad back to Hux as the exercise ball rolled past them again, “You can swipe left for three more pictures of it, but you’ll want to stop there.”

**HOUR FOUR [11 AM]**

Hux’s stomach growled and he twisted around to see if he could see any breakfast preparation taking place in the kitchenette. The pilot and copilot were in the cockpit, and besides that, there was no staff.

“Ren?” Hux said loudly enough for Ren to hear over the sound of his munching. He’d been eating for the last hour.

“Hm?” Ren said lifting and twisting to look at Hux. He’d also stretched his legs out to occupy the seat next to him and taken off his boots and socks, so his bare feet were digging into the seat fabric.

“When is the in-flight meal served?”

“What?”

“I’m hungry. We’ve been on board four hours and they’ve not even brought around a beverage cart.”

“Oh,” Ren said, rifling through the snacks at his bare feet, “I have some TruMoo and some orange soda and some juice if you’re thirsty. And I brought food too. Do you like Funyuns?”

Hux rightly refused to register Ren’s words and instead circled back to his original query. “When is the in-flight meal served?”

“There isn’t one,” Ren said with a shrug, “You can check the fridge I guess.”

“Why is there no in-flight meal service? Or service at all?”

“I cancelled it to make room in the budget for U-Verse. I got a notice that I’d apparently exceeded my shuttle operations budget, so I had make cutbacks.”

Hux rolled his eyes. No wonder he hadn’t seen a purchasing order for U-Verse. Ren had shifted the budget on his own as not to require special purchasing permissions.

“Just to be clear,” Hux said, “There is no food to be served on this eight hour trip, now turned eleven hour trip thanks to our hour-late departure and your two-hour retainer detour?”

“Yes,” Ren said with a nod, “That’s why I brought food.”

Hux looked at what Ren interpreted to be food and resolved that he’d done more difficult things in his life than to go eleven hours without eating.

“Do you want Funyuns? Or Pringles? I have chocolate chip cookie dough pop tarts or Cookie Crisp or _Uncrustables_ if you want breakfast food?” Ren picked through the snacks, some of which were already open and literally resting beneath his bare feet. “I have gummi bears and gummi worms, not sure which you prefer. Combos if you want those?”

“No, thank you,” Hux said.

“Ok,” Ren said, frowning, “Are you sure? I really don’t mind sharing.”

“No, thank you,” Hux said, taking in Ren’s confused expression.

“You’re not going to eat for the rest of the trip? That’s a long time, Hux.”

“I’ll be fine.”

**HOUR SIX [1 PM]**

Hux was not fine. His mouth was dry enough that he was certain his tongue had doubled in size. His throat was scratchy. His stomach growled furiously, threatening to digest itself soon.

“Ren,” Hux called out, clearing his throat to hide the dehydrated croak.

Ren had vacated his seat and was now stretched across the Darth Vader rug, munching on gummi worms and playing Candy Crush on his iPad. He’d removed most of his layers, leaving them in a pile on the floor. He’d pulled his hair up into a bun. On his TV, he’d settled on _Degrassi_ , the remote tucked beneath his pelvis. He was blissfully unaware that every time he shifted, he changed the volume.  

“Yeah?” Ren asked.

“Is there any bottled water on board?”

“You can check the fridge,” Ren said, “But I don’t think I had budget to get it restocked.”

Hux sighed and stood for the first time, stretching his legs. He moved across the floor and opened the fridge. It was a hellish sight, fully-stocked with orange soda, TruMoo and more Capri Sun. He checked the cabinets, looking for a cup. Empty, besides another eight pounds of Casein powder. He’d not consumed regular tap water in more years than he could count, but he was desperate now.

“Do you have any drinking glasses?”

“Oh,” Ren said, “Yeah, check cabinets next to the mini bar.”

Hux moved the mini bar, opening to reveal more TruMoo. The cabinets around it, empty, save for a few shards of glass.

“There’s nothing in here, Ren.”

Ren looked over, confused, before an enlightened look graced his expression.

“Oh yeah, I broke all the glasses last week. Snoke pissed me off and my boyfriend broke up with me. Sorry,” Ren said simply.

Hux glared. “And you couldn’t replace them?”

“No budget.”

A thought crossed Hux’s mind, fleeting and embarrassing even for the few moments it occupied his thoughts: he could put his mouth under the tap. He shuddered at the thought and returned to his seat.

“You can drink the soda or milk or juice right from the container, you know,” Ren said.

“I’m fine.”

**HOUR SEVEN [2 PM]**

Hux was _increasingly_ not fine. He got up from his seat, his expression grim with what he’d resolved to do. He was going to drink directly from the tap. He walked over, feeling Ren’s eyes on him. Ren had turned over and now was now lying on his back, wearing his Birkenstocks, his legs propped up on the exercise ball, watching _Degrassi_ upside down. His iPad battery had died. He hadn’t thought to bring the charger and Hux hadn’t bothered to offer Ren his iPad charger, safely stowed away in his suitcase.

Hux steeled himself and turned the sink’s handle. Sludge spewed from the faucet. Hux’s brain failed to process what he saw.

“What’s wrong with the water?”

“Huh?” Ren asked, rolling over so he was propped up on his elbows. The ball rolled away.

“Why isn’t the water working?” Hux asked, bracing himself for the answer.

“Oh,” Ren said, “I had water service shut off because it was too expensive for upkeep.”

“There’s no running water on this shuttle?”

“Nope,” Ren said, rolling back over to watch the TV upside down.

“What about the bathroom?”

“What about it?”

“How does it operate without water?”

Ren shrugged. “Well, it’s under construction. Did you see the note?”

“You don’t have a working bathroom on board?”

Ren shrugged. “It works well enough,” he said, “Can’t take a shower. Very unwise to poop. The toilet suctions out whatever is deposited into it and there’s hand sanitizer in there for when you’re done.”

Hux cursed Phasma for sending him here, stranded on a water-less shuttle with Kylo Ren and a host of junk food while she sat comfortably on the _Finalizer_ with real food and Millicent. Hux opened the fridge and looked at the soda. He’d done worse things in life. He took one and returned to his seat. Ren burped loudly and cradled the half gallon of chocolate milk, now mostly gone, close to his side.

Hux twisted the cap, hearing the unfamiliar hiss of carbonated beverages and took a sip. The sugary sweetness of it made his mouth water and the carbonation stung his throat. He considered it for a moment. _Delightful,_ he concluded. More so than he wanted to admit. He finished the entire bottle without stopping and made a mental record of this being the lowest point in his life, glad that only Ren was here to witness it.

“Do you want something to eat?” Ren asked, still upside down, using the Force to have brought the ball back beneath his legs. Hux looked at the snacks scattered around Ren on the floor. He’d already stooped so low. A couple of Funyuns or a sour worm-shaped candy didn’t make much difference now. Hux stood, got another soda from the fridge and inspected the in-flight dining options.

Ren looked at him, then sat up. “Have as much as you want,” Ren said. Hux sighed. At least he was being hospitable. Hux selected a packet of the chocolate chip cookie dough pop tarts, a small bag of Funyuns and a bag of the pizza-flavored combos.

“Have you seen this show?” Ren asked. Hux looked to the screen.

“No,” he said shortly.

“It’s called _Degrassi_. It’s a teen drama.”

“That sounds insufferable.”

“It is,” Ren said, turning up the volume, “I love it.”

Ren shifted his weight so he was sitting back on his calves now.

“Want to watch an episode with me?”

Hux looked down at him. At Kylo Ren. Dark genuine eyes, full lips, an absurdly endearing bone structure and a mess of hair shaped into a bun on the top of his head. Hux shook his head in disbelief and sat in one of the swivel recliners seats. Ren smiled.

“The handle is on the right if you want to recline,” he crawled over and pulled the lever, springing Hux’s legs upward.

“Me and Phasma usually watch _Degrassi_ when we travel,” Ren said, crossing his feet just under his butt, sitting back on his heels and pausing the show, “This is season six, but I can get you caught up. Don’t tell Phasma I watched it without her though.”

Hux opened the packet of pizza-flavored combos and eyed them suspiciously as he listened to Ren summarize the first five seasons of a teen drama and recanted his earlier mental note: this was his new low.

**HOUR EIGHT [3 PM]**

Ren had successfully caught Hux up on _Degrassi_ and they’d resumed watching. Hux hated to admit it, but he was enthralled. Ren was seated on the floor still, cross-legged and chewing on pop tarts with his mouth open and dragging off of his hookah pipe every so often, orange-mint julep flavored smoke filtering throughout the cabin.

Hux had finished off the pop tarts, Funyuns and combos, plus two more sodas, an _Uncrustable_ and a Capri Sun.

“Why doesn’t Ashley just break up with Craig if he’s not going to take his medications as instructed?” Hux said, perplexed that this teenage girl was willing to subject herself to such a difficult, violent and volatile relationship when there were certainly other boys at her school worth dating. A mentally stable athlete, perhaps.

“Because she loves him,” Ren said, leaning his back against the sofa and burping, “Would you stay?”

Hux turned down the sides of his mouth. “With _him_?”

“Yeah.”

“Absolutely not.”

“You would.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“You wouldn’t stay with someone you loved, even if they were ill?” Ren said, turning to inspect him.

“I wouldn’t bother to fall in love.”

Ren laughed. “I don’t think it works that way, Hux.”

“For me it does,” Hux said with a scoff, “Could I try a gummi bear, please?”

**HOUR NINE [4 PM]**

Hux had slid down to the floor and opened another packet of pop tarts. He and Ren split this one. Hux took a drag from the hookah pipe too and passed it back to Ren. He texted Phasma to check up on Millicent’s dinner preparation.

“I just don’t find it plausible that Liberty would get pregnant by J.T. Not after his history with Emma,” Hux said.

Ren chewed, then spoke, not bothering to swallow first, “This show isn’t plausible. That’s the point.”

“Then why would do you spend your time watching such nonsense? Especially at the expense of running water and in-flight meal service?”

“It’s called a guilty pleasure.”

“What?”

“Guilty pleasure shows. Shows that you watch that you don’t want to tell anyone you watch. Like The O.C. or the Bachelorette or Teen Mom or GIRLS.”

“I’ve not heard of any of those, Ren.”

Ren stared at him with wide eyes.

“You haven’t heard of any them?”

Hux shook his head.

“We have three more seasons of _Degrassi_ to finish and then we’re starting _Teen Mom_.”

**HOUR ELEVEN [6 PM]**

Ren and Hux had returned to their seats for landing. They finished another half of a season of _Degrassi_ and two more sodas before they did. Hux had brushed the remnants of processed junk food from his uniform and had tried to the straighten the creases he’d made from sitting on the floor. Ren had taken surprising care and about thirty minutes to redress in his layers, taking an inordinate amount of time to ensure that his cowl fell just right over his helmet. _No wonder he was so late,_ Hux had thought as he watched Ren fuss over his scarf.

Once they landed and the pilot cleared them to move about the cabin, Hux was up first, reaching to open the overhead compartment. He pulled the latch open, and before he could process what was happening, Ren’s giant duffel was plummeting toward him, only to be stopped mid-air.

“Please exercise caution when opening overhead compartments as items may have shifted during flight,” Ren said as he stepped in to save Hux from his duffel. He lifted the compartment all the way and took his duffel, then got Hux’s suitcase down too.

“I can collect my own suitcase, you know,” Hux said defiantly, embarrassed at having been saved by Kylo Ren, as Ren put it down on the floor for him.

“I got it,” Ren said, doing his best to stuff the loose articles of clothing and his lightsaber back into his duffel. Ren put the duffel’s strap over his shoulder, then extended the handle of Hux’s rolling suitcase.

“What are you doing?” Hux asked.

“I can roll it for you,” Ren said simply as the ramp lowered, “Don’t forget your cap.”

***

Hux looked proudly around the hotel lobby. The First Order had spared no expense in its decorations and brand visibility. They were given First Order swag bags upon arrival, complete with a travel mug, sunglasses, a beach towel, an American Apparel t-shirt, a notebook, pencils, pens, an iPhone case and a shot glass. The hotel itself was draped with oversized First Order banners, flags, carpets and a commemorative photo series that paid homage to the Galactic Empire. Hux carried his bag and Ren’s through the lobby as they approached the check-in desk, Ren still rolling Hux’s suitcase. Most other attendees had checked in already and were milling about the lobby with drinks. Due to their retainer detour, they were late to arrive.

“Check in for Kylo Ren,” Ren said through his ridiculous helmet. The desk attendant, a girl about Ren’s age with bright red lipstick and dark hair cut into a bob, clearly frightened of this opposing figure searched the computer for his reservation, her fingers trembling a bit. Hux wanted to tell this nice lady that behind the mask was a wide-eyed idiot of a man who lived off of  junk food and binge-watched high school teen dramas.

“Yes, Mr. Ren. We have you booked you for one Deluxe room.”

Ren nodded, apparently pleased, and Hux, though he had no reason to believe so based on his previous experience or hearing test results, now believed his ears were failing him.

“One room, you said?” Hux asked. The girl, a nervous sweat now having accumulated on her upper lip, nodded.

“Ok,” Hux said, “Well, we’ll need two.”

“Ok,” she said and checked the computer. She pecked a few keys and hit _enter._ The computer emitted a discouraging beep. “We’re completely booked, I’m afraid. We just booked out the last room twenty minutes ago. Sorry, General.”

**HOUR TWELVE [7 PM]**

“One room?” Hux was reeling as they stepped off the elevator.

“Phasma and I usually share,” Ren said, still wheeling the suitcase for Hux as they approached their room.

“Well I’m not Phasma,” Hux said.

“You aren’t,” Ren said as he arrived at their room and placed the key in the door. Ren pushed the door open after the pad had turned green and chimed at him and Hux peeked over his shoulder.

When he saw the room and its one bed, his soul departed his body. Ren wheeled in, and parked Hux’s suitcase by the closet.

“Ren,” Hux said.

“Yes?”

“There’s one bed.”

“Yes.”

“This is a single occupancy suite.”

“Yes.”

“When you booked this room with Phasma, were you aware that there was only one bed?”

“Yes.”

Hux stared in disbelief.

“We always share a bed.”

“What? Are you two lovers? You share a bed?”

“No, we’re not lovers,” Ren said, looking down shyly, “She’s my best friend. We like to be close.”

Hux considered getting back on Ren’s water-less shuttle and demanding a return flight back to the _Finalizer_. He could just read the official debrief of the summit later.

“It’s a big bed,” Ren said with a shrug. Hux shook his head.

“I can sleep on the floor, if you want,” Ren offered.

**HOUR THIRTEEN [8 PM]**

Ren sat on the floor, in his underwear, eating room service and watching the TV and texting someone on his now plugged in iPad. Ren hadn’t been able to choose between garlic cheese fries and chili con queso with blue corn tortilla chips, so he’d ordered both. Hux sat at the table, fully-dressed, with his dinner: a reasonable chicken breast, green beans and mashed potatoes. He ate his meal like a civilized person, with a knife and fork, sipping a Gin and Tonic, while he reviewed the meeting agenda for the summit and made a few notes.

“Do you want to try a cheese fry?” Ren offered, interrupting his train of thought.

“No,” Hux said shortly.

“How’s your chicken plate?”

“It’s very good,” Hux said, “Much better than pizza-flavored combos and Funyuns.”

Ren nodded, looking down at his family-sized iron skillet of cheese dip, now crusted on the sides. He’d taken to dipping his cheese fries in it. Hux regarded him, shoulders a bit slumped and felt a twinge of guilt. Ren had been nice enough to share his food, awful as it may have been.

“But I may want a few gummi worms for dessert,” Hux added.

Ren smiled a bit now and looked back up. Hux hated to admit how much he liked seeing Ren’s face. Ren stood in one swift motion, not even using his hands and retrieved the gummi bears. He took one and sat back down, holding the worm between his teeth and offering the bag to Hux. Hux took it.

“Do you want to go to the pool later?”

**HOUR FIFTEEN [10 PM]**

Ren, dressed in daringly short orange and purple palm tree swim shorts, dove into the deep end, a sprawling mess of long limbs and hair. They were the only people at the pool, since most other First Order personnel were engaging in reasonable activities like sleeping, reading the summit notes from last year or enjoying a drink at the hotel bar with colleagues. Hux looked on. He hadn’t brought a swimsuit. Obviously. He was dressed in his full First Order uniform, watching Ren splash around alone in the pool. Ren went underwater, swam up to the edge and propped his arms up on the side.

“Are you sure you don’t want to get in?” He asked, smoothing his hair back to reveal a large set of ears.

“Quite sure.”

“You don’t like to swim?”

“I don’t think I’ve been swimming since I was a child.”

“So you should now.”

“I don’t have a swimsuit, Ren.”

“You’re wearing underwear aren’t you?”

“That’s terribly unsanitary.”

“What is?”

“To get into a community pool wearing undergarments that have been on my body all day.”

Ren shrugged his shoulders.

“I’m guessing you’re one of the people who doesn’t pee in the pool either?”

**HOUR SIXTEEN [11 PM]**

Having returned to the room and showered, Hux was now settled into bed comfortably in his First Order pajamas and silk nightcap to keep his hair from getting too frizzy during sleep. He composed a goodnight text message for Phasma to read to Millicent and looked over the notes again for the summit and sipped his nighttime tea as he tried to ignore the sounds of Ren sloshing around in the bathroom. Hux couldn’t imagine what he was doing in there to elicit such noise, but he was glad that he’d used the bathroom first. It would certainly be rendered unusable after Ren was done doing whatever it is he was doing in there. Ren hadn’t bothered to silence his iPad and it had been chiming and buzzing with all sorts of notifications, most of which were from a guy named _Eduardo_.

Ren emerged a full thirty minutes later, a towel lazily wrapped around his waist, body still sopping wet, hair dripping, leaving a small stream in his wake. Hux eyed him, curious to see what course of action he’d take next. Ren dropped the towel and dug through his duffel bag, which he’d simply tossed in the corner when they’d arrived.

The part of Hux’s brain that processed surprise, shock and disgust was entirely worn out, so he was relatively unmoved by an entirely nude Kylo Ren digging through a pile of clothes and sniffing pairs of identical black underwear to figure out which were clean and which weren’t.

Hux just watched, tea in hand as droplets of water ran down Ren’s surprisingly toned and tight body and pooled on the carpet. Ren straightened and yawned, gathered the towel from the floor and wrapped his hair in it, the same towel he’d just had around his naked groin, the same towel that had just been on the hotel carpet, and resumed his search for suitable underwear. He finally found a pair and slid them on. He then searched his bag for something else, cursing when he didn’t find it and giving up. He yawned again.“Do you mind if I use a pillow?” Ren asked.

Hux sighed and gave Ren one of the bed’s six pillows, then set his empty mug on the table and watched Ren walk over to the closet.

“Eduardo’s been texting you,” Hux said after a couple of moments.

Ren turned quickly to glare at him as he pulled an extra blanket down from the top shelf.

“Your ex?" Hux guessed, based on his reaction.

“How do you know his name?” Ren asked sharply. Hux indicated Ren’s iPad, plugged in right next to where Hux had just set his empty mug.

Ren crossed the room and tugged the charger and iPad from the wall, the blanket dragging behind him. He wrapped his body in the blanket and sank to the floor next to the bed. He yawned, curled up in the fetal position, and sniffled, his head rested on the pillow as he texted Eduardo back. It appeared that he didn’t have much to say to Eduardo, as he turned off the iPad as soon as he sent the text and curled in, closing his eyes gently. Hux shut off the lights and slid beneath his blankets.

“Hux,” Ren said, a few moments later.

“What is it?”

“I left my retainer on the shuttle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lord knows this didn't need to be written. I'm sorry. 
> 
> In the next installment: Hux and Kylo turn up a raucous party in the hotel bar. Normally straight-laced First Order personnel run rampant through the streets, wielding Kylo's lightsaber. Hux learns that Kylo is into bizarre role playing scenarios. Hux convinces Kylo to try eating a vegetable.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised: Hux and Kylo turn up a raucous party in the hotel bar. Normally straight-laced First Order personnel run rampant through the streets, wielding Kylo's lightsaber. Hux learns that Kylo is into bizarre role playing scenarios. Hux convinces Kylo to try eating a vegetable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two of the crack fic that needn't exist.

**HOUR TWENTY-FOUR [7 AM]**

When Hux had woken up, Ren was already gone, his pillow and blanket still crumpled on the floor where he’d slept. Hux looked around -- Ren’s helmet and robes were still there. Hux couldn't discount the idea that Ren had possibly gone down to breakfast in nothing more than his underwear. Hux showered again, certain that he smelled of Ren, shaved and dressed in his sharpest uniform and shiniest boots. Just as Hux was finishing combing his hair into place, the door opened.

Ren came in, sweaty and dressed in short neon orange shorts, likely meant for a cheer squad leader, and no shirt. Hux stared.

“Good morning,” Ren said.

Hux looked at him. His upper body was covered in a light sheen of sweat. His hair was pulled up in a bun, a few loose hair strands stuck to his neck with sweat. His shorts were so _short_ and tight, stuck close to his ass with sweat. His thighs were thick with muscle. His calves were lean and sculpted. He was barefoot.

“What the hell have you been doing?” Hux asked.

“Running.”

“Where?”

“In the gym.”

“In that?”

Ren nodded, looking down.

“Where are your shoes?”

“I run barefoot.”

“You run barefoot?”

Ren nodded.

“Why?”

“Because I have a perfect arch,” Ren said with a smile, lifting his foot so Hux could see, “I don’t need the support of shoes.”

Hux shook his head.

“I read a book on my Kindle about barefoot running last year and --”

“I’m going down to breakfast,” Hux, said moving past him.

“Oh,” Ren said, watching Hux, “Ok?”

Hux collected a room key, and a black Trapper Keeper® outfitted with the conference agenda, his notes from earlier, business cards, several dozen copies of his headshot and loose leaf college-ruled paper for taking more notes. Hux fastened the Trapper Keeper® and stood, tucking it beneath his arm.

“I would wait for you, but I’ve seen how long it takes you to get showered and dressed,” Hux said.

“What’s that for?” Ren said, looking at his overstuffed Trapper Keeper®.

“For notes. Some of us are actually here to learn something, “Hux straightened. “I’ll see you downstairs.”

**HOUR TWENTY-SIX [9 AM]**

Ren never showed up for breakfast, but Hux saw him slink into the back of the conference room, dressed in his full getup, just before the morning’s keynote speaker started giving a lecture on the newest model of First Order ventral cannons. Hux watched the presentation with interest, scribbling notes in his Trapper Keeper®, firing off a few tweets about #quadlasercanons, jotting down a few questions to ask the speaker and looking forward to discussing the new cannons over the coffee break.

**HOUR TWENTY-EIGHT [11 AM]**

Hux, a shameless schmoozer, milled around the hall during the mid-morning coffee break, handing out his business cards and headshots to new senior officers he’d not yet met and taking pictures with lower ranking officers who’d heard tales of _the great General Hux_ and who were on the waiting list to be hired on as a _Finalizer_ crew member. A line of sorts had formed, with Hux waving in new photo patrons and smiling proudly in each photo, glad that he’d taken extra care in combing his hair that morning.

He was autographing a photo of _Starkiller_ base for an admiral, when out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ren, close to the wall and discreetly making his way for the door. Ren moved slowly at first, not wanting to attract attention to his desperate attempt to flee. Then, once he was close enough to the door, he backed into it, then turned on his heels, darting from the room, the doors slamming behind him.

Hux rolled his eyes thoroughly. The entire room had seen his poorly-concealed exit.

“Was that Kylo Ren?” The wide-eyed admiral asked him. Hux sighed.

“Yes. I’m afraid it was.”

“Is it true that he’s part frog?”

**HOUR TWENTY-NINE [NOON]**

The remaining speakers for the morning were as gripping as the first. Hux had filled 23 pages back and front with notes about the presentations on updated laser technology, new tracking capabilities, the upgraded quick-response line of blasters, stronger and longer-lasting shields and ultra-strength flame throwers. Hux imagined himself, emperor of the galaxy, destroying well-meaning planets with precision lasers, demolishing civilizations who didn’t adhere to his personal ideologies, rendering ancient cultures and peoples extinct who wouldn't align with the First Order and leveling cities who were known to harbor any Resistance sympathizers.

These titillating thoughts carried him through gracefully to the mid-day meal. Hux entered the ballroom and looked around. When it came to lunch service, the First Order didn’t fuck around. Hux overlooked the dazzling culinary display: An entire table devoted to exotic cheese, delicately paired with the finest charcuterie cuts. Fully-grown fruit trees in giant terracotta pots. A gardener picking fresh tomatoes from the vine. A wood-burning stove to fire up artisan pizzas and a man with a thick mustache twirling dough in the air while onlookers swooned. A turkey was pulled up from a deep fryer. An overdressed chef at a Hibachi style grill creating an onion volcano while his audience cheered. Bratwurst sausages sizzling on a hot barbecue grill. A KitchenAid stand mixer outfitted with the pasta attachment, turning out fresh linguine. Fresh baguettes pulled from an oven. A pulled pork sandwich cart.  A fondue fountain. A man hawking cotton candy hoisted above his head on a tray. A soda fountain. A soft serve ice cream machine. And if none of that would do, a custom order station.

Hux’s eyes danced, filled with glory, as he looked over the myriad lunch opportunities. Hux took a stroll, his Trapper Keeper® still tucked beneath his arm, wanting to take full stock of his options before deciding on what to eat. He wouldn’t be the fool who over committed to the first few dishes that looked tasty, only to arrive at the main attraction with a full plate. As he passed the Custom Orders station, he overheard someone put in a request for risotto.

Hux was just rounding the made-to-order cupcake booth when he saw Ren, ducking out of the hall in a very conspicuous swirl of black layers. He sighed, following Ren out into the foyer just in time to see him disappear into the elevator. Hux followed, catching the next elevator and arriving at their room just after Ren did. Ren was removing his helmet and picking up the phone.

“What are you doing?”

“Ordering lunch.”

Hux glared at him.

“There’s lunch downstairs.”

Ren shrugged, “I’m going to eat up here.”

“Ren. Have you seen all the food down there?”

Ren nodded.

“And none of it looks good to you?”

Ren shrugged.

“There’s even a special request window if you’d like to order up a plate of taco flavored Doritos or whatever it is you eat. I’m sure they could cart some in for you.”

Ren sighed, chewing on his lip. He shrugged again.

“Why are you being so difficult?” Hux demanded.

“I don’t really like taking my helmet off around people,” Ren said softly.

_“What?”_

Ren shrugged. “And Snoke says I shouldn’t show my face to anyone.”

“Oh, Jesus. _Snoke_ says you shouldn’t show your face to anyone?”

Ren nodded.

“Has he seen his own repulsive face lately?”

Ren felt a smile creep over his lips, but he tried to stifle it.

“He’s frankly the one in need of a helmet, not you.”

Ren shrugged. Hux shifted his Trapper Keeper® to the other arm.

“Why doesn’t he want anyone to see your face?”

“For the same reason he doesn’t want anyone to know my real name, I guess.”

Hux rubbed his temples. He didn’t know anything about the drama surrounding Ren’s real name, which he’d heard was Fred, but he didn’t care to know about it now.

“Come downstairs and eat. You can sit next to me, alright?”

Ren still held the phone receiver in his hand.

“I don’t know,” Ren said, “I’m not good with people at all.”

“Oh,” Hux said, his brow furrowing, “Well I can help.”

Ren shrugged.

“I don’t think I’m ready,” he said, still looking down and away from Hux, “I think I’m just going to order some queso again.”

***

Hux had no idea what had encouraged him to stay here. Ren’s soft voice. His sad eyes. His pouty lips. His brooding expression. Either way, Hux found himself in their room, awaiting a perfectly mediocre room service lunch, despite the nearly limitless dining options presented downstairs.

“You really didn’t have to stay,” Ren said quietly. He was sitting on the bed, legs crossed, having taken his boots off to _let his feet air out_.

“Well you look pathetic up here, eating all alone,” Hux said sharply.

Ren looked back down.

“Thank you,” Ren said quietly. Hux ignored him. Hux had ordered a pork chop with new potatoes and steamed veggies. Ren had wavered from his queso decision at the last minute and had instead placed an order for chicken tenders and jalapeno poppers.

“What’s your real name?” Hux asked.

Ren looked up. “You don’t know?”

“No,” Hux said with a shrug, “I figured it wasn’t _Kylo Ren_ , but I never much cared.”

Ren shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Is it Fred?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“We’ve all heard it was Fred.”

They were quiet for a while.

“What does Eduardo do?” Hux asked.

“ _What_?” Ren said, looking up at him darkly.

“Your ex. Is he First Order? Are you avoiding him? Is that why you’re up here?”

“No, he’s not First Order.”

“What does he do?”

“Why does that concern you?”

“I’m just curious.”

Ren got up from where he was seated on the bed and moved over to the corner. He sat down on the floor and hugged his legs in front of his hest.

“Don’t want to tell me?” Hux asked.

“Why do you want to know?”

“I told you. I’m curious.”

“Well it’s none of your business,” Ren said bitterly. Hux shrugged as a knock sounded at their door. Hux got up, opened the door and came back a few moments later, wheeling a room service cart. Ren got up to collect his plates and then went back to his corner to sit.

Hux sat at the desk, making sure his pork chop was cooked to his liking. Hux looked over at Ren in time to see him dip one of the jalapeno poppers into the bowl of ranch dressing he’d ordered on the side.

“Ren?”

“What?” Ren said, still angry.

“Do you ever eat vegetables?”

“What?”

Hux forked his steamed cauliflower and held it up.

“Do you ever eat vegetables? You know, the food that grows out of the ground on the surface of planets whose temperature and atmosphere permit.”

“No,” Ren said definitively.

“You don’t eat them at all?”

“No.”

“But you _have_ eaten one?”

“My mother made me eat asparagus once. I threw it back up.”

Hux frowned at him.

“I’m allergic to vegetables,” Ren concluded.

“No one’s allergic to vegetables, Ren.”

“I’m allergic to vegetables.”

“Here,” Hux said, offering his cauliflower, “Try this. It’s called _cauliflower._ ”

“No.”

“It’s good.”

“No it’s not.”

“If you try it, I won’t ask you about your real name or about Eduardo anymore.”

Ren considered the proposal, and figured a singular vegetable was a reasonable price to pay, especially given that he was stuck in this room with Hux for another day and a half. He set down his plate of jalapeno poppers and crawled over to Hux. He sat back on his calves and took the fork with the cauliflower, inspecting it.

“It’s a flower, you said?”

“No, it’s _called_ cauliflower. It’s a vegetable.”

Ren shook his head, but ate it anyways. He chewed, his expression souring. He swallowed it roughy after only a few chews, frowning thoroughly. Hux looked at him.

“That’s worse than the asparagus.”

Hux sighed. “Here, try the kale.”

“No,” Ren said backing away, “Are you trying to kill me?”

“If you try some kale I’ll tell you about my ex.”

Ren snatched the fork and ate the kale, his expression again souring.

“Worse even than the flower,” Ren gave the fork back, “Tell me about your ex.”

Ren turned, looking at his food. “Hold on,” he said. He retrieved his plates and came back to sit before Hux. “Ok. Tell me about your ex.”

“He was a captain at the Academy and his name was Geoff.”

“What happened to him?” Ren asked, his mouth full of chicken tender.

“He told me he was in love and wanted to get married, so I broke up with him.”

Ren’s mouth gaped. “You _broke up_ with him?”

“Yes,” Hux said.

“Fuck,” Ren said, “You really are ruthless.”

Hux shrugged.

“Why’d you do that?”

“Because,” Hux said, straightening in his seat, “My career comes first. I’d not have risen to the rank of General with Geoff there holding me back with things like marriage and child-rearing and holidays and baking apple pies for when the in-laws visit.”

“Sounds like you’ve thought about it a lot,” Ren said as he bit into a fried jalapeno.

“I’ve not,” Hux said.

“Was he your only ex?”

“For that information,” Hux said, “You have to eat a carrot.”

**HOUR THIRTY-FOUR [5PM]**

As the first day of meetings drew to close, everyone became anxiously excited for the real reason anyone attended these tiresome conferences in the first place: happy hour.

Hux, known for his love of gin, was first at the bar. Soft classical music played in the background, and the hotel staff, outfitted in pristine uniforms, were milling about with silver platters, offering toasted brioche rounds with creme fraiche and caviar, lobster salad on endive spears and carrot roulades with radish and herb goat cheese.

Hux sat at the bar, setting his Trapper Keeper® on the empty stool next to him, and ordered up two Gin & Tonics, told the bartender to keep his tab open and brought one to Ren. Ren was holding up the wall, looking on at the, quaint social interaction taking place and the endless parade of foods he’d never seen. Hux could tell he was desperate to get away, to the safety of their room where he could order more queso and eat it without any pants on.

Lunch in their room had gone surprisingly well. Hux had recounted his entire dating history, and Ren had consumed six whole pieces of assorted vegetables, most of which he hadn’t known even existed _._ Though enthralled by the speakers and topics, and even with the distraction of filling his Trapper Keeper ® with more notes than necessary, Hux had spent the afternoon agonizing over the realization that he didn’t _positively hate_ spending time with Kylo Ren. He certainly wouldn’t say that he _liked it_ , but he had a weird fascination with Ren’s unmasked face and a strange fondness for his insufferable manners and childish tendencies.

Hux gripped the drink now and approached Ren. “You’re going to take off your ridiculous helmet and you’re going to drink this,” Hux said, shoving the drink into Ren’s gloved hand. Ren eyed it.

“I prefer dark liquor,” Ren said.

“Well then you can get the next round.”

Hux could imagine Ren’s scrunched brow as he deliberated the proposal behind his mask. A few people nearby were now watching the interaction unfold with hushed whispers and shifting eyes. Slowly, everyone in the bar arrived at the same realization: Kylo Ren couldn’t eat or drink with his helmet on. Officers and personnel watched out of the sides of their eyes, trying to pretend like they weren’t watching out of the sides of their eyes, and dying to see if the frog rumors were true.

“No one’s ever seen me without my helmet,” Ren whispered, but the helmet only resulting in making it louder than if he would’ve just said it outright.

“So,” Hux said loudly, “I hadn’t either before yesterday, and I’ve lived through the experience relatively unscathed.”

Ren considered it for a few more moments. Everyone was already looking on. He really had nothing to lose anymore. Eventually, he handed the drink back to Hux. Hux took it, wide-eyed as Ren’s gloved hands reached for his mask release latches.

Everyone in the bar looked on: First Order officers of all ranks stopped in their tracks, the bartender’s drinks and ice suspended mid-pour, the waiters paused with their trays like pillars of salt, the classical music track screeched to a halt. Ren unlatched the mask, waiting for the the mouthpiece to rise. Hux was certain Ren could do this faster -- he was delaying, letting the anticipation build. Finally, slowly, he lifted the mask, shaking out his hair once he removed it.

Ren was keenly aware of the eyes and thoughts of everyone in the room. Ren bit his lip and took the drink back from Hux, downed it in one gulp, and returned the glass back to the bartender by floating it gently across the room and setting it on the bartop. All of the eyes in the room followed the glass until it landed at the bar, then snapped back to Ren. Ren looked around at the room at the stares, mouths agape with shock and awe.

“Do you have bottle service?” Ren asked.

**HOUR THIRTY-SEVEN [8PM]**

This straight-laced, low-key hotel bar, geared towards hosting professional conferences and international dignitaries did not, in fact, have bottle service and was ill-equipped to deal with much else.

Dissatisfied with the bar’s music selection, Ren had taken over the controls, adjusted the levels to his liking (mostly bass) and hooked up his iPad with the AUX cable. Bubba Sparxxx’s _Ms. New Booty_ boomed through the speakers, the bass reverberating through the lobby.

The bar’s master visiting mixologist, known galaxy wide for her inventive variations of classic cocktails, had created a thoughtfully-crafted cocktail in honor of the First Order conference: A perfectly-sourced, skillfully-made, well-balanced twist on a standard Ramos Gin Fizz, shaken with cubed ice for no less than 12 minutes and served in a chilled highball glass, garnished with a lemon slice. Ren ordered one, drank it in two consecutive gulps, liked it, and had the bartender mix up a few pitchers of it to put out on the bar so people could serve themselves.

Ren had also shoved chairs and tables aside with a gesture of his hand to enable room for dancing. He’d obtained a set of ping pong balls and red solo cups. He’d used the mic to prompt people to begin picking teams of two and checking in with Hux to get signed up for a beer pong tournament. A bar attendant dutifully wheeled out a keg. Hux, having taken some loose leaf paper from his Trapper Keeper®, was running a beer-pong registration table, asking each team to complete a quick skills assessment as he charted out the tournament bracket. Hux was taking measurements for the beer pong table length and scribbling notes on his clipboard when Ren approached him with another drink, having removed his gloves and cowl.

“For you, General,” Ren said, offering the drink and standing closer to Hux than necessary, “Gin and Tonic. That appears to be your drink?”

Hux looked at him, unsettled by this show of kindness. “It is,” Hux said, “Thank you, Ren.”

Hux went to take the drink, but Ren hadn’t yet let go. Their eyes met for about twelve seconds longer than was needed to exchange a drink before Ren finally relinquished his grip.

“You’re welcome,” Ren finally said, looking closely at Hux still, “Will you be my beer pong partner?”

**HOUR THIRTY-NINE [10 PM]**

Hux knew that he’d regret this entire night in another ten or so hours, but he’d decided that that was future Hux’s problem. He’d deal with inevitably painful and embarrassing fallout the next day, but for now he was content to let Ren continue to hand-deliver Gin & Tonics and invade his personal space.

Someone had ordered about four dozen Hot Box pizzas and nearly 100 breadsticks with a multitude of dipping sauces. Ren had requested a steady stream of fried pickles and chips and queso be delivered until there was none left to deliver. The pulled pork sandwich cart and fondue fountain from lunch made a brief appearance and the hotel staff had set up a baked potato bar in the corner.

Across the room, a few of the more senior officers were taking turns using Ren’s saber to slice chairs in half.

Ren, it turned out, was an exceptional beer pong partner, they’d had yet to lose a match and were slated to move onto the finals. The final two teams were playing now, deciding who was to face off against Ren and Hux.

Ren was also a clingy drunk and hadn’t so much as strayed two feet from Hux, save for when he left to go order them more drinks. At some point during their first beer pong game, Ren had rested his hand on Hux’s lower back, and there it stayed. Hux would turn to look at him every now and then, met with the sight of his full pink lips and dark hair. Hux felt other officers eyeing them, hints of jealousy, and Hux suddenly felt proud at being the object of desire of the most attractive guy in the room.

“That’s nice of you to say, General,” Ren said softly in Hux’s ear. They were standing next to the table of breadsticks, Ren still with a hand on Hux’s back. Hux stared with wide eyes.

“More often than not, I know what you’re thinking,” Ren said with a smirk. He dipped a breadstick into the nacho cheese sauce and Hux flushed red, a bit embarrassed.

Hux looked away, gazing at a newly sliced chair, split down the middle and still simmering audibly as it laid on the floor, useless now and forevermore. “Then you know that I’m terrified of the bill the First Order will receive to cover the physical damage to the bar and the emotional damage we’ve no doubt inflicted on the hotel’s staff and patrons.”

“Emotional damage?” Ren said, “You haven’t even heard how loud I can be during sex.”

Hux looked at him, eyes wide and mouth trying to form words.

“Don’t give me that look, General.”

“That’s terribly inappropriate, Ren.”

Ren smiled at him.

“Is it?”

Hux picked up a breadstick and bit into it to buy himself some time to think of how to respond. Behind them the game concluded. Hux thanked whichever gods dealt with beer pong wins and losses. Hux went to leave, but Ren held his bicep and looked directly into his eyes.

“I know you don’t care for breadsticks,” Ren said, “And I’d very much like to show you how loud I can be during sex.”

**HOUR FORTY [11 PM]**

Ren and Hux had easily buttoned up a beer pong tournament victory and went over to the bar for a celebratory drink, since they hadn’t already had enough. Hux slid into one of the stools and Ren slid in right next to him. Ren swiveled to face him, and then turned Hux in too so their knees touched, each of their legs slightly parted.

“Eduardo is a shepherd,” Ren said.

Hux raised his eyebrows.

“What?”

“He tends to flocks of sheep.”

_“What?”_

“He tends to flocks of sheep,” Ren repeated, louder this time.

“No,” Hux said, “I heard you. It’s just … bizarre.”

Ren shrugged.

“More bizarre than working for a tiny grey alien with a name like Snoke, whose bequest is to rule the galaxy?”

Hux rolled his eyes, “Where the hell does he find work as a shepherd?”

“In a field...” Ren said with a shrug.

Hux sighed. “You said you’ve only been broken up a few weeks? Why’d he break up with you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Ren said, moving in closer to Hux. Hux made a half-assed attempt to move away from him.

“You’re much too close to me.”

“Am I?” Ren said, “Your thoughts are telling me something quite different, General.”

Hux cursed whichever ancient Jedi had taught Ren to read minds.

“No ancient Jedi taught me how to read minds.”

“Please stay out of my head, Ren.”

“Want to know what I’m thinking?” Ren asked.

Hux swallowed. “No,” he said.  

“I’m thinking about two things.”

“Ren, I--”

“Firstly, I’m thinking about how nice your lips must feel.”

Ren stared directly into Hux’s eyes while he said it. Hux looked away, but Ren brought a hand up to his chin.

“Could I give you a kiss, General?”

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea, Ren.”

“Why not?”

“There are people here.”

“So?”

Hux tried to look away.

“You have stunning eyes,” Ren said.

Hux still tried to look away, but Ren held his face now.

“You don’t want to be seen kissing me?”

“No.”

“No?” Ren said, “But you’ve been wanting me to kiss you all night.”

“Are you constantly in my head?” Hux said, pulling back from Ren’s grip, irritated now.

“I didn’t have to be in your head to know that you want to kiss me,” Ren said, “Your constant staring at my lips told me that.”

“I’ve not been staring at your lips,” Hux muttered and swiveled back to face the bar. Ren turned back to the bar too sipped his drink.

“I really think you could use a good kiss,” Ren said, sipping his drink again.

Hux scoffed.

“And a good fuck,” he muttered into his glass.

“ _What_ did you say?”

Ren shook his head, “Nothing.”

Hux turned back to face him now, scowling thoroughly at Ren.

“What? And I suppose you’re under the impression that _you_ give good kisses?” Hux asked.

“Yes,” Ren said, “I give great kisses.”

Ren turned to face him now too.

“And I can put you in touch with a well-fucked Eduardo if you’d like a user review about my latter statement.”

Hux rolled his eyes.

“When’s the last time you were kissed?” Ren said into his glass again, “Or fucked?”

“That’s no business of yours.”

“So ... since the Academy?”

“ _No,_ not since the _Academy_ ,” Hux said, “Jesus, Ren. I’m a General. Not a monk.”

Ren rolled his eyes.

“Could I _please_ just give you a kiss, General?” Ren asked.

Hux sighed heavily. He looked around. Hux gauged the average level of drunkenness in the room to be an 8.5 out of 10. A quick kiss with Kylo Ren wouldn’t make too much a splash.

Hux weighed the implications of a kiss as best he could given his own level of inebriation, which he estimated to be a 7.8. _Surely one kiss won’t ruin me_.

Hux looked to Ren and decided this was really his new low. “If you really must,” Hux said with a sigh of resignation.

Ren smiled and leaned in. Hux stayed put. Ren’s lips met Hux’s and he kissed him shyly, tentatively. The kiss was short and sweet and Ren pulled away, looking at Hux again. Ren’s lips were pillowy soft and incredibly warm and tasted of gin. Hux hated to admit that he’d liked it.  

“I liked it too,” Ren said, “Can I kiss you for real this time?”

Sensing no pushback from Hux, Ren leaned in and kissed Hux again. Deeper this time, and with more aggressive passion, his tongue swirling around to taste Hux’s mouth, kissing hard enough that their teeth scraped for a moment. Ren used a hand to hold Hux’s neck and deepen their kiss, his tongue invading Hux’s mouth like it belonged there. Hux found his hands coming up to hold Ren’s neck too, tangling at the ends of his hair and pulling. They settled into the kiss, finding the same rhythm, the same breathing. They kissed easily, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Ren pulled back slowly, biting Hux’s lip as he did. They kissed lightly a few more times. They were silent for a few moments, their eyes locked. Then Ren spoke.

“Secondly, I’m thinking about how easily I could lift you,” Ren said, his lips gracing Hux’s when he spoke, “And carry you up to your bed.”

Hux stared at back, wishing he had a biting reply to hide how much he wanted Ren to lift him and carry him upstairs.

“Only if you want me to?” Ren added, softly, “If you’d like that?”

**HOUR FORTY-ONE [MIDNIGHT]**

When they’d run out of bar chairs and tables to slash, the lightsaber squad had taken to the lobby, slicing up the otherwise well-cared for plants and continental breakfast bar. Another group had broken off and made for the pool, swimming fully-clad in their uniforms before stripping to their underwear and diving aggressively from the board, their boots and caps had filling with water and sinking to the bottom. Another group had headed to the gym and used the remaining beer in the keg to initiate a beer mile run on the four or so treadmills the hotel had available. A few groups had gone up to their rooms to continue partying there, music thumping and the front desk phone ringing off the hook with complaints. After having torn up the plants, cereal dispensers and juice machine, the lightsaber squad had taken to the streets, running freely and chanting along with Andrew W.K.’s _We Want Fun_ blaring from a boombox wrongfully acquired from the hotel’s Zumba® studio. The hotel staff had given up on re-establishing control, now only warning all non-First Order patrons to stay in their rooms until morning for their own safety.

Of it all, Hux perhaps fared the worst. He was making out with Ren earnestly as the bartender closed their tabs -- and had been for the past hour. Hux hadn’t made out in public in his life. And never thought he would. But they kissed each other now with hungry desperation as Hux tried to remember the last time he’d gotten laid. From what he could remember, it was a drunken fuck on his 30th birthday, nearly three years ago. Hux tried to hide that thought before Ren could sense it.

Growing impatient with the bartender, who, was having to calculate tabs by hand, his register having been maimed in the early proceedings of the lightsaber squad, Ren and Hux opted to accept the _20% failure to close your tab_ penalty. As promised, Ren easily lifted Hux from the stool, Hux wrapping his legs around Ren’s waist and kissing him deeply. They kissed their way to the elevator, Hux forgetting about both his Trapper Keeper® and whatever semblance of dignity he had left.

When the elevator arrived, Ren entered it, Hux still wrapped around him, their lips still attached. They arrived on their floor, still kissing. They arrived at their door, still kissing. Ren carried Hux into the room and lowered onto the bed, breaking their kiss for the first time in an hour. Ren’s lips were slightly swollen and wet. Hux, to his embarrassment, _pouted_ and reached back up for Ren, hating that he suddenly had nothing to hold onto and kiss. Ren smiled and picked him back up, smoothing down his hair and kissing him again.

“Here’s our scenario, General,” Ren said, hugging Hux close to him then kissing him again, “Do you want to get undressed while I’m setting us up?”

Hux nodded, not sure what Ren meant by _scenario,_ and Ren sat him down. Hux, instead of pouting this time, began undressing.

“I’m a recently widowed bantha fur trapper--”

“What?” Hux interrupted.

“Hear me out,” Ren said as he began undressing too.

“I’m a recently widowed bantha fur trapper, hiding in the caves of Tatooine when you, a Chinese food delivery--”

“Ren. No,” Hux said. _Kylo Ren’s into role-playing. Of course he is._

Ren sighed.

“Ok,” he said, “That’s ok. I have other ideas.”

“I’m a single mom at a PTA meeting and you’re the headmaster.”

“No.”

“I’m a cartographer and--”

“No.”

“I’m a megabus driver --”

“No.”

“I’m a traveling shoe cobbler?”

“No.”

“A celebrated chef?”

“Who cooks what, pizza rolls? No.”

“Cabana boy.”

Hux considered that one, but let it go. “No.”

“We meet at Renaissance festival?”

Hux stared, not even honoring him with a no.

“We met on Myspace?”

Hux put his head in his hands. Ren sighed in angry frustration.

“I’m Snoke and you’re --”

“REN.”

“Well what are you into? I’m running out of ideas.”

Hux rolled his eyes. “I just … I don’t know. I’m just into sex.”

“What kind of sex?”

Hux scowled. “The kind that involves two naked people using their genitals to engage in sexual intercourse?”

Ren paused in removing his boots, a look of horror on his face. “I think you’re the only person in the galaxy who can make sex sound terrible, Hux.”

“It’s a perfectly accurate description, Ren.”

“For a clinician,” Ren frowned, “You’re killing the vibe.”

“How about this: I’m an irritated and horny military service man who’s just had to travel across the galaxy with a disastrous human who he can’t very well stand to be around and who’s never eaten vegetables and who watches bad TV on a stolen U-Verse subscription and who has a surprisingly nice face and strong body beneath a heavy helmet and dramatic layers of black -- layers that said general now wishes that the human disaster with large muscles would just remove so they can get on with engaging in sexual relations before one party backs out.”

Ren processed his words, a confused expression, before he raised his eyebrows.“That’s us?”

Hux shook his head in disbelief. “ _Yes._ That’s us.”

“I didn’t steal U-Verse.”

“Please take your clothes off, Ren.”

“You don’t like being around me?” Ren looked at him, brow gently furrowed.

Hux rolled his eyes. “It’s not that I--”

“Well you’re not great to be around either, _General_ ,” Ren said with a fire in his eyes, approaching Hux now and pushing him forcefully back onto the bed. Hux had stopped undressing at some point during Ren’s terrible role playing setups. Hux landed on his back and Ren crawled on top of him.

Ren irreverently pulled off Hux’s clothes. “You’re condescending and rigid,” Ren said as he unfastened Hux’s pants.

“You’re childish and maniacal,” Hux said as he pulled at Ren’s clothes.

“No one likes you because you scowl at everyone like they’re holding up the Dairy Queen line with a complicated order when all you want is a Dilly Bar,” Ren said as he slid Hux’s pants off.

“No one likes you because you lash out at even the most minor provocations,” Hux said, tugging desperately at Ren’s robes in whichever direction he supposed was “off”.

Ren sat back on his heels, pulling his robes off quickly and then his pants. He bent over Hux again and pulled his underwear off.

“You look like a psychotic dictator most of the time,” Ren said, “And you remind everyone of Benito Mussolini.”

“You look like a moth.”

“Shut up and sit on my lap, General,” Ren said, getting off of Hux and spinning around the chair at the desk before sitting down. How Hux had missed the size of Ren’s massive cock, he didn’t know, but he saw it now. Hux stared in a horrific skeptical denial as Ren idly touched himself, having procured lube from thin air it seemed.

“If you’re nervous about the size,” Ren said, still touching himself, “Then the sooner you get over here and do as I say, the better. I’m a grower not a shower.”

“You expect me to sit on that?”

“You said you wanted to engage in the type of sex that involves genitals, so yes, I expect you to sit on my cock,” Ren said, “I’m not going to ask again.”

 _I’m not going to ask again?_ Hux glared. _Where does he get off?_ _Where is the sweet fool who just carried me up here in a flurry of kisses and cuddles?_ Hux couldn’t ponder on that now. Ren’s cock was honestly getting larger. Hux feared he didn’t have much time before it bloomed to the size of a junior spaghetti squash.

Hux walked over and straddled Ren, his hips low over Ren’s lap. Ren gently placed a hand on Hux’s stomach, kissing his chest. Outside, a car alarm blared and a saber slashed something made of metal while Shania Twain’s, _Man! I Feel Like a Woman!_ played from a boombox.

“Wait,” Ren said, his eyes softening.

“ _Wait?_ You just gave me a strict sex deadline and now you want me to wait?”

“Ssshh,” Ren said, kissing Hux’s chest again. Ren wrapped his arms beneath Hux’s legs and kissed his chest still as Hux began to feel himself stretching open gently.

“Ren?” Hux said, alarmed, “Are you …”

“Yes,” Ren said, his head still buried in Hux’s chest. He looked up at Hux now, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Hux’s eyes fluttered closed. Hux was sure that an ancient Jedi rule book, stored in some elusive archive, had outlined acceptable uses and unacceptable uses of the Force. Some code of conduct to uphold. Guidelines for what to do and what _not to do_ with one’s Force powers. He imagined that _using the force to prepare a partner for anal sex_ would likely be filed as a misuse of the Force.

“There’s no rule book,” Ren said.

Hux moaned as Ren continued to gently stretch him.

“And aren’t you glad for it?” Ren asked.

“Shut up,” Hux murmured.

Ren kissed him again, nuzzling his hair in Hux’s neck.

“Do you like that, General Hux?” Ren murmured, “Like being opened up without me laying a finger on you… or in you?”

Hux refused to give Ren the satisfaction of an answer. After a few more moments, Ren gently sat Hux down on his lap, both of their cocks standing at attention between their stomachs. Hux stared down at Ren’s. It was nearing spaghetti squash status. Hux, admittedly, was a bit nervous. He hadn’t been with anyone in a while. And even the ex he’d dumped years ago was more a junior zucchini and less a junior squash. Ren opened the lube and coated his cock liberally with it.

“Ready?”

Hux nodded.

Ren must’ve sensed Hux’s nervousness because he kissed Hux’s chest again.

“I won’t hurt you, ok?” Ren said gently, looking Hux directly in his eyes, “I promise.”

Hux nodded. He lifted his hips now, supported by Ren’s arms beneath his thighs and aligned his entrance with Ren. He braced himself and, with Ren’s help too, began to lower himself gently onto Ren’s cock. Even with just the tip, Hux hadn’t felt so full in a long time. He shut his eyes as he still slowly descended, his arms wrapped around Ren’s neck now, leaning on him a bit.

“Are you ok, Hux?” Ren asked softly and Hux nodded, eyes still closed.

“I’m fine, Ren,” Hux said, “It feels good.”

Hux felt Ren nod against his chest and slowly kept lowering himself. Once Ren was fully inside of him, Hux’s ass resting in Ren’s lap, Ren kissed Hux’s neck and wrapped his arms around Hux, his fingers lacing at the small of Hux’s back. They sat their like that for a bit, their eyes locked and Hux getting used to the feeling of being full of Ren.

“I like you this way, “Ren said, “All filled up with me.” Ren said softly and used one hand to rub Hux’s lower belly, his knuckle dragging over the red hair on Hux’s stomach, leading down to his cock, now hard and visibly wet at the tip.

“You like being so full of me?” Ren asked, as he moved his fingertips to the head of Hux’s cock, pinching the tip softly. Hux had been determined not to moan, but he did anyways. 

“Is that a yes?” Ren asked, looking up at Hux’s eyes now, “You like being full of me?”

Hux nodded.

“Good,” Ren murmured, still gently pinching and milking the tip of Hux’s cock, “That’s good.”

Hux moaned as Ren thumbed over his slit, still making eye contact. “You’re so lovely,” Ren said and kissed Hux’s neck. He looked back down.

“It’s so red,” Ren said, gazing at Hux’s crotch and using his hand now to stroke the red hair between his legs.

Hux sighed, “I know that, Ren.”

“What? You don’t like it?” Ren asked.

“Not particularly,” Hux said, shifting around a bit.

“I think it’s beautiful,” Ren said.

“That’s great, but if I don’t start riding you soon I’m going to fall asleep.”

Ren smiled darkly at him. “Just waiting on you, General.”

Hux rolled his eyes and lifted his hips, Ren hooking his arms under Hux’s thighs again. Hux started slowly, but soon picked up a steady rhythm of fucking himself on Ren. When his legs started to get tired, Ren picked up the slack, lifting Hux and setting him back down over and over. Hux shut his eyes to avoid looking at Ren, who’d been watching him intently the whole time, drinking up every expression of pleasure that washed over Hux’s face.

“I want you to bend over for me now, General,” Ren said, standing up with Hux like it was nothing and removing his cock, which elicited a gasp from Hux. Ren set him on the bed on all fours, head down, ass up. Ren held Hux’s hips on either side, pulling him back a bit and entering him again, taking him hard and fast this time.

Hux wanted to be upset by how easily Ren could lift and maneuver him, but he was too turned on to be upset, and at the rate Ren was pounding into him from behind, his coherent thoughts were becoming increasingly scarce.

Hux was only aware that Ren was grunting now. Loudly. And more so with each thrust. Hux recalled Ren’s earlier comments about his noise level during sex.

“Do you always grunt so loudly or are you exaggerating to prove your earlier point?” Hux managed to say as Ren jolted his body back and forth.

“Are you always so quiet or have I just rendered you speechless?”

Hux scoffed to hide his moan as Ren drilled into him.

“ _Fuck,_ you have a really great ass, General,” Ren said loudly, around his grunts, “Perfect for fucking.”

Hux moaned at Ren’s expertly angled thrusts and tried to focus on the pleasure instead of Ren’s words.

“And your tiny hips are the perfect size for my hands,” Ren said louder, “Like all this time, they were meant for me?”

“My hips aren’t that small,” Hux said, looking over his shoulder.

“You’re narrow and tiny enough that I can reach around and stroke if you I wanted to.”

Ren grunted as he sped up the pace.

“I’m not narrow and tiny,” Hux said through gritted teeth.

“You’re kidding, right?” Ren grunted, “You’re the skinniest guy I’ve ever fucked.”

Hux rolled his eyes.

“I like it,” Ren said, “How much do you weigh, anyways?”

Hux’s noted that this may be the first time in the history of the galaxy that someone’s sex partner asked for their weight _during_ intercouse. Hux shook his head. His cock ached, the lack of attention becoming more dire a situation than Hux was ready to admit.

“You want me to stroke you, General?”

“No.”

“Ok,” Ren said simply.

“Yes,” Hux immediately relented. _The lowest of lows._

Ren reached around Hux and took the cock in his hands, stroking him slowly despite his fast thrusts.

“Ren,” Hux said through his teeth.

“You want me stroke you faster? And fuck you harder?”

Hux nodded.

“Sorry, what was that?”

“Yes.” 

“Yes, _what_?”

“Yes, I want you to stroke me faster and fuck me harder,” Hux said bitterly, “ _Fuck._ You’re terrible, you know that? No wonder, Eduardo--”

Ren rammed into Hux so hard Hux was certain he’d caught a brief glimpse of a star system. Ren stroked Hux’s cock faster. Ren gave up his talking now and just grunted instead, his volume increasing in time with the intensity. By the time Hux and Ren both were close to coming a minute or so later, Ren sounded like a feral animal. Hux had even sworn he heard Ren howl at the moon as he filled Hux. Hux, having not had anyone empty inside of him in so long, spilled all over their sheets as soon as he felt Ren’s warmth spreading through him.

Ren pulled out after they came back to their breath and Hux collapsed, avoiding the mess he made. Hux thought it impossible for Ren to ever tidy up, but he did now. As Hux rolled over in bed, he saw Ren disappear into the bathroom and come back with a couple of towels. Ren knelt on the bed and crawled to Hux. Hux looked at him, surprised as Ren gave one of the towels to Hux and used the other to clean their sheets. Hux watched as Ren cleaned up, then tossed the towel onto the floor and crawled up next to Hux.

“Is it ok if I sleep in your bed, Hux?” Ren asked.

Hux looked at him, his cheeks a bit flushed, still naked and now becoming soft.

“Yes, Ren. You can sleep in my bed.”

Ren laid next to him and pulled him close. Hux tossed his towel to the floor too and allowed himself to be Ren’s little spoon, only because he was drunk and tired he told himself, as if being held by Ren was somehow worse than being fucked by him.

  
Ren dimmed the lights in their room and pulled Hux closer to him, his breathing already indicating that he was close to sleep. Ren kissed his shoulders a few times, murmuring something about _lovely freckles_ , as they fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next installment: Kylo & Hux wake -- and after a quick bout of morning sex -- find the hotel near ruin and the city in a state of emergency. In what's left of the lobby, Kylo runs into two guests he hadn't planned on seeing anywhere ... like, ever.
> 
> FYI: I've had a few people ask, so here's my tumblr! [its-the-neon-bible](http://its-the-neon-bible.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo & Hux wake - and after a quick bout of morning sex - find the hotel near ruin and the city in a state of emergency. In what's left of the lobby, Kylo runs into two guests he hadn't planned on seeing anywhere ... like, ever. Bonus features: Ren wears jorts and birkenstocks, Hux learns Ren's real name, Hux gets his very first blow job, and Ren talks Hux into being on top.

**HOUR FORTY-EIGHT [7 AM]**

Hux woke up first the next morning, foggy, but in a palpable state of panic, with a heavy arm draped over his chest and a warm body next to his. His head pounded and his mouth was dry, with an unpleasant hint of rusted copper.

He sat up slowly, pushing the arm off of him and taking stock of the room. Their clothes were lying in a crumpled heap on the floor. Their pants and jackets trampled over. Hux had been quite certain that they’d fallen asleep after sex, but it looked like they’d ordered room service. Hux squinted at the food cart. Upon closer inspection, it looked like _Ren_ had ordered room service: A half-eaten plate a nachos, a melted chocolate milkshake with a deflated cherry on top, staining the melted layer of whipped cream and -- _it couldn’t be_ \-- a bowl of cauliflower?

Hux looked back down at Ren. He was still sleeping. He started to swing his legs over the side of the bed to stand, but was pulled back in.

“Don’t leave me,” Ren mumbled.

Hux looked down at him. “I thought you were sleeping.”

“Don’t leave me,” Ren repeated, then cleared the grogginess from his throat, “Come back to bed.”

Hux sighed, but laid back down. Ren pulled him close and snuggled into his side.

“You don’t want to cuddle with me?” Ren asked, shutting his eyes again and burying his head in Hux’s neck.

“We have a morning keynote to get to, Ren.”

Ren kissed his cheek, floating one eye open. He smiled crookedly.  

“You look beautiful when you wake up,” Ren said, “Your hair. I like it this way.”

“What, disheveled and frizzy?” Hux asked defensively, realizing he’d slept without his silk nightcap, so it would be frizzy all day.

“Yeah.”

“Well I don’t,” Hux said.

“Your eyes are wonderful,” Ren said.

“Nothing too remarkable if you ask me,” Hux said.

“I’m hard,” Ren said, kissing Hux’s shoulder and grinding into his hips. “Do you like morning sex?”

***

Ren fucked Hux at an easy pace, Hux underneath Ren with his legs spread wide and Ren’s hands gripping Hux’s thighs. Even at the slower pace, Hux felt like he was already close. Ren was so surprisingly serene and gentle in bed, but confident and practiced. He fucked Hux languidly, but forcefully. Leisurely, but skillfully, each thrust landing perfectly inside of Hux and the pace altering just enough to keep Hux on his toes. Hux moaned reluctantly and felt Ren’s eyes on him, inspecting and scrutinizing.

“Your thighs are so _small,_ ” Ren said in amazement as he looked to his hands on Hux’s thighs, “I can almost wrap my whole hand--”

“Are you going to point out how small I am every time we have sex, Ren?”

“I don’t know,” Ren said, “Had you planned on us doing this often, General?”

Hux rolled his eyes as Ren brought Hux’s legs together, straight up towards the ceiling, calves resting on Ren’s chest. He kissed Hux’s shin.

“Your ankles are so--”

“Please don’t make any further comments about my size,” Hux said, “Just fuck me.”

“Sure thing, General,” Ren said, fucking into Hux harder now. Hux took in a sudden gasp and fidgeted at the new angle of penetration.  

“Fuck. I’m sorry. Am I hurting you?” Ren asked gently, slowing his pace a bit.

“Mm, that’s better,” Hux said in response to the slowed pace. Ren kissed his leg a couple times in apology and fucked him slowly.

“What’s your favorite position?” Ren asked.

“What? Sex position?”

“No. Ice hockey.”

“What?”

“Yes. Sex position.”

“I don’t know,” Hux said, “This one.”

He’d frankly only engaged in sex in three positions -- on all fours with Ren last night, and the one they were doing now. The third, missionary, was the one he and his ex had used exclusively. Again, Hux hid that thought before Ren could detect it.

“We’ll try more later,” Ren said, “After we eat. Do you know what they’re serving for breakfast?”

“Can you stop talking?”

Ren shrugged and kissed Hux’s leg again, then began jerking him off. Hux closed his eyes, resolving to enjoy the ride in silence until he came.

That lasted for about five seconds.  

“I know you don’t want me to talk, but can I just add one more thought?” Ren whispered, still stroking Hux.

Hux opened one eye. “ _Jesus_ , Ren. What is it?”

“You have a really nice cock. I’d like to suck it later.”

Hux rolled his eyes, supposing that was an acceptable interruption. “Ok, Ren. Later. But only if you let me come in peace and quiet.”

“Ok, deal,” Ren said.

“Ok,” Hux said.

“I want you to come for me now,” Ren said, spreading Hux’s legs again and fucking him faster. Hux meant to reprimand Ren for talking again, in direct non-compliance with what they’d literally just agreed upon, but Ren’s fucking him was just _too good_. Hux said no coherent words as Ren fucked him hard and fast, pumping his cock until they both came. Hux first, then Ren shortly after. Once they were done, Ren pulled out and bent over Hux, still in between his legs.

“Hold on to my neck, General.” Hux rolled his eyes and tried to keep a straight face, but smiled a little and held onto Ren’s neck, his legs wrapping around Ren’s waist. Ren lifted Hux, his arms cradling Hux’s back and he carried him to the bathroom.

They showered together and Hux hated the way Ren washed his long dark hair, hated the way the soap lathered over his muscles, hated the way the water ran over Ren’s chest and back. Hux finished quickly, fearing that he was getting hard again, and got out first. He lathered his face with cream to shave and looked at himself. _The Great General Hux_. Fresh out of the shower with Kylo Ren. Freshly fucked by Kylo Ren. _Twice._ Wishing that Kylo Ren would get out of the shower now and wrap his arms around his waist from behind and kiss his neck and fuck him quickly against the wall before they had to go downstairs and face whatever hell they’d created.

Ren got out of the shower a few minutes after Hux and lathered his face with shaving cream too, his hair up in a towel to dry and still completely naked, not having bothered with a towel around his waist.

“You’re so lovely in the mornings, General,” Ren said, looking at their reflections in the mirror.

“You don’t have to be nice to me anymore, Ren,” Hux said, “You’ve already successfully gotten in my pants.”

“I’m not being nice,” Ren said, “Just honest.”

They both finished shaving and got dressed, doing their best to look like presentable high-ranking First Order officers despite the crippling hangovers and quickly declining calmness and serenity surrounding what they’d find downstairs. In the corner, Hux’s iPhone chimed and he went over to check it.

“I don’t have my lightsaber. Or my helmet. Or my cowl. Or my gloves,” Ren said once he was dressed. Hux wasn’t listening. He was looking in horror at his iPhone. He’d missed message after message from Phasma.

Phasma: General, is everything ok?

Phasma: What the hell is going on at that conference?

Phasma: You guys are playing BEER PONG?

Phasma: And YOU’RE Ren’s beer pong partner?

Phasma: Is he touching your back?

Phasma: Is he STILL touching your back?

Phasma: You kissed him?

Phasma: Nevermind a kiss. ARE YOU MAKING OUT WITH KYLO REN???????

Phasma: Hux. YOU ARE MAKING OUT WITH KYLO REN.

Phasma: !!!!!!!!!

Phasma: Hux? Are you there? Are you fucking him yet?

Phasma: Millicent is simultaneously disappointed in and proud of you.

Phasma: Good morning, General. You may want to check Instagram #firstorderturnup

Phasma: Spoiler alert - you’re making out with Kylo in like 50 pictures, but you look happy in all of them!

Phasma: How was the sex?

Hux checked the hashtag and to his unmitigated and absolute horror saw that, yes, there were about 50 pictures of him and Ren making out. Hux felt his soul wither.

“Ren,” Hux said.

“Yeah?”

“Do you have Instagram?”

“No.”

“Well it would seem that Phasma and most everyone else does,” Hux’s face was drained of its color, “And our entire make-out session was captured. I think there’s even a video.”

Hux’s morbid curiosity got the better of him and he watched the video, Ren peeking over his shoulder to see it too. They were kissing at the bar, Hux’s arms over Ren’s shoulders and Ren’s hands around Hux’s waist. They kissed like lovers, both smiling into the kiss, taking it slowly like they knew the other’s lips weren’t going anywhere. Phasma had commented. _Capt_Phas: You guys are so cute together! #evilspaceboyfriends._ The video had 670 likes.

“We’re famous! Look, hashtag: evil space boyfriends is trending,” Ren said, smiling and kissing the top of Hux’s hair, “Also, we _are_ cute together.”

Hux’s mouth gaped. “No!” He glared up at Ren now.

“We are not famous, nor do we want to be in this capacity. We are _not_ cute together. And we are _not_ boyfriends.”

“Yeah we are. Phasma said so,” Ren said, pointing to the hashtag, “Evil space boyfriends. See?”

Hux put his phone down and buried his face in his hands. “We can’t be seen kissing in public,” he said.

“It’s a bit too late for that.”

“We’re co-workers. I’m the General. This is unprofessional!”

“Well if HR comes after you, I’ll take the fall, okay? I’m not technically First Order personnel,” Ren said with a shrug, “My paycheck stubs don’t even say First Order, Inc. I’m an independent contractor. For tax season, I have to file a 1099-”

“I’m ruined!” Hux cried.

“You’re not ruined. It’s ok,” Ren said, “I promise.”

Hux buried his head in his hands again. Ren knelt in front of him, rubbing his knee.

“Hux? Babe?”

Hux looked up.

“What did you call me?”

“Hux.”

“After that,” Hux said, his eyes narrowing.

“Babe?”

Hux glared at him. “ _Don’t_.”

“Sorry, General.”

Hux buried his face in his hands again.

“It’ll be ok, babe. I promise. Come on. I’m hungry,” Ren said, “Do you think they have any pancakes?”

**HOUR FORTY-NINE [8 am]**

The scene in the lobby was truly a sight to behold.

In the center of the floor, a _Lord of the Flies_ style bonfire pit had been erected, the remnants of the lightsaber squad’s tables and chairs having been burned at an apparent stake. Most of the chandeliers had been ripped clean from the ceiling. The lobby’s custom-made plush furniture had been burned up in the bonfire. The indoor water fixture had turned into a combination trashcan and swimming hole, cups and soggy bread sticks floating, along with a few First Order hats and jackets. Some of the floor tile had been torn up with a jackhammer.

The continental breakfast room was cordoned off with yellow police tape. Behind it, the charred slashes indicated that a lightsaber had been responsible for the destruction, having torn apart the countertops and appliances. A disgraceful mix of Honey Nut Cheerios, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Raisin Bran and Frosted Mini Wheats was strewn across the floor. The juice machines had been slashed up too, orange and pink concentrate oozing from the basins. There was a handwritten sign hanging despondently from the yellow tape: BREAKFAST SERVICE CANCELLED TODAY. SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE. - HOTEL MGMT.

Out in the lobby, a few nurses from the local CVS Minute Clinic were on hand to care for wounded officers, hotel staff and patrons. How they’d been wounded, Hux and Ren weren’t sure. One man had his arm in a sling. Another with a bandage wrapped around his head. One lady wore an eyepatch. An admiral hobbled around on crutches. Another officer was laid out, groaning with some unseen affliction. Out across the lobby, a trail of First Order clothing, red solo cups and bread sticks littered the floor. The lightsaber squad had returned the Zumba boombox, but it had been trampled over. The photo display of the Galactic Empire had been defaced. Over NPR, an announcement that the mayor had declared the city to be in a state of emergency.

The scene in the bar was the worst. The outline of a body on the floor. Hux’s Trapper Keeper® had been run over by a motorcycle by the looks of it. His meticulously taken notes from the day before had been scattered about and stomped over with wet boots. There was a smaller bonfire pit like the one in the lobby to burn extra chair and table parts. Most of the bottles from behind the bar were now smashed, a few having been fashioned in molotov cocktails. Ren’s helmet was speared on a sharpened out chair leg, made into a stake. A detective unit from the Corellia PD was on hand, asking them to stay back until the Forensics team arrived. They had to keep Ren’s helmet to dust for prints and promised to mail it to him later.

Hux reflected on the past forty something hours on his life and wondered how he’d fallen so far from grace in such a short time. There was only one answer: _Ren._ He turned to him now.

“This is all your fault.”

“My fault?”

“Yes. _Your_ fault.”

“How is this my fault?”

“You started this perfectly ludicrous party.”

“No I didn’t. _You_ made _me_ drink. I just wanted to go back up to the room and eat Bagel Bites and watch GIRLS.”

Hux sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He _had_ shoved a drink in Ren’s face. Was this whole thing really _his_ fault?

“General?” The hotel manager. “Can we speak to you at the front desk?”

***

Ren and Hux followed the manager back out to the front desk, or what was left of it at least. Part of it looked like it’d been lost in a small explosion. The hotel manager was pretty banged up: outfitted in a sling, sporting a black eye and limping heavily with a single crutch tucked under his left armpit. He had Ren’s lightsaber waiting there in a gallon-sized ziploc bag, having been turned in by the squad once they’d effectively destroyed all they could get their hands on.

“I think it goes without saying that day two of the First Order Weaponry Symposium is cancelled,” he said. Ren and Hux nodded, staring blankly at the unfortunate and sad little man before them. His name tag read, _Dwyane_ and the title said, “ _Hotel Manager, proudly serving guests for 25 years!_ ”

Hux looked around at Dwyane’s beat to shit hotel. He ascertained that this may be the end of Dwayne’s proud twenty-five year reign as manager.

“We’re going to have to ask all First Order affiliated personnel to pack up and leave immediately.”

“I understand,” Hux said gravely, upset that he wouldn’t get to hear the keynote presentation on the new line of semi-automatic blasters.  

“However, since the city is in a state of emergency, all flights have been grounded.”

“Oh?” Ren and Hux said together.

“We’re suggesting that First Order personnel find other lodging arrangements, whomever will take them in, until such a time as the flight ban has --”

“BEN!”

The color instantly drained from Ren’s face. Hux turned around, confused. The yell had come from a man he’d never seen. and beside him, the Resistance General, Leia Organa.

“Ren? Is this man talking to you?”

“No.”

“Are you sure, because --”

“BEN!”

Ren refused to turn.

“We have to leave right now,” Ren said, grabbing Hux’s arm, “Sorry about the mess. Bill us?”

Ren began pulling Hux away.

“BEN!”

“Ren. That man is definitely talking to you.”

“No he isn’t.”

“Is _that_ your name? Ben?”

“No.”

“Kylo Ren!” The voice said now.

They both stopped in their tracks. Ren turned. There was no denying it now. The man was definitely talking to them. He rolled his eyes.

“Jesus, Han, you’re making a scene!” he said, his voice hushed, “We’re not supposed to cross paths or interact in public!”

Hux stared.

“ _I’m_ making a scene? Have you seen this hotel? This city? Your lightsaber marks are everywhere, Ben!”

“Well I didn’t do it,” Ren said defiantly.

“Ben?” Hux asked.

“What?” Ren snapped.

“Your first name is Ben?” Hux asked, “Who are these people?”

“We’re his parents, Hux,” Leia said.

“General Organa,” Hux said, nodding, “Nice to formally make your acquaintance.”

Leia rolled her eyes. “What did you do, Ben?”

“I didn’t do anything, Mom.”

“We heard the First Order was in town, but we didn’t figure it would be _this bad_ ,” Leia said.

“Your name is _Ben Organa_?” Hux asked.

“It’s not that bad,” Ren said as the last remaining chandelier, hanging by a thread, crashed behind them.

“It’s Organa-Solo,” Han said, stepping forward, “Ben Organa-Solo.”

“It’s Kylo Ren, now, Dad,” Ren said spitefully, “What are you guys doing here anyways?

“We were trying to go on holiday,” Leia said.

“Our marriage counselor recommended we come to this hotel to _get away and reconnect_ ,” Han said, looking around at the destruction, his gaze ending on Ren, “But you’ve destroyed it.”

“I didn’t do this,” Ren said.

Behind them, the hotel manager was hobbling forth on his crutch with one of the officers from the Corellia PD.

“Mr. Ren, sir, I’m sorry, but we also received complaints from the family in the room adjacent to yours. Was there a domestic dispute last night? Apparently there was excessive noise. Is everything alright? Would you like to file a report?”

“We’re fine,” Ren said, then turned back to his parents, “It was just loud sex. Because I was upstairs fucking my boyfriend and not destroying this hotel. Or the city.”

Hux’s face turned crimson. Han rolled his eyes at Ren.

“No domestic disturbance report to file?” the officer asked.

“No,” Ren said. He turned to face Han and Leia.

“We’re leaving now,” Ren said to them, grabbing Hux’s hand and pulling him away.

“Ben,” Han said, softer now, “Wait.”

“No.”

“Ben!” Leia said. Ren sighed and turned around.

“What is it, Mom? My name isn’t Ben.”

“Is this your boyfriend?” Leia asked, nodding to Hux.

“No,” Hux said.

“Yes,” Ren said.

Han nodded. “Glad you’re both clear on that.”

“What happened here?” Leia asked, “We were barely even given clearance to land.”

“People had too much to drink and got a hold of my lightsaber,” Ren said, “Whatever. It’s not that bad.”

Han looked around. “Looks like it was a hell of a party.”

“What do you guys want?” Ren asked rolling his eyes.

“Introduce us to your boyfriend,” Leia said.

“You already know Hux,” Ren said.

“Not as your boyfriend, I don’t.”

“I’m not his boyfriend,” Hux clarified.

“What happened to Eduardo?” Leia asked.

“We broke up,” Ren said.

“He broke up with you,” Han corrected. Ren gave him a challenging, but quizzical stare.

“We went out for drinks a few nights ago,” Han said with a shrug.

Ren rolled his eyes. “You went out for drinks with _Eduardo_?”

Han shrugged, “Well you won’t come over and hang out with me and your mother doesn’t like going out to drink.”

“Then go out with Chewie! You can’t just hang out with my friends, dad!”

“Chewie is doing the 90-Day Shred and he can’t drink until it’s over.”

Ren rolled his eyes. “We need to go now,” he said.

“To where?” Han said, “All flights are grounded, Ben.’

**HOUR FIFTY [9 AM]**

Ren, Hux, Leia and Han all stood out on the sidewalk with their luggage and waited for their Uber as they watched the mass exodus taking place from the hotel. Bewildered First Order personnel and a miscellaneous assortment of unfortunate hotel patrons slowly stumbled out onto the sidewalk with their luggage and fought over taxis. Parents held their children close, cab drivers were negotiating supply-and-demand rates from atop the hoods of their cabs and a junior admiral was puking into a potted plant. Ren had changed out of his Kylo Ren wear and was now wearing a pair of tight-fitting, cuffed black denim shorts, a white t-shirt and his Birkenstocks. Hux couldn’t believe his misfortune.

“This is damn near apocalyptic,” Han said, looking around.

Ren sighed. “It’s not _that_ bad,” he said, rolling his eyes, when, overhead, a plane fell from the sky. It crashed miles outside of the city with a loud bang that startled everyone. A baby wailed.

Ren checked his phone to see where their Uber driver was. Five minutes out. Dwayne had been nice enough to book an Airbnb for Leia and Han since the room they were supposed to inhabit had been set on fire a few hours before they arrived. They’d offered Ren and Hux the second bedroom.

“When the Uber gets here, can we get some breakfast before we go to the house?” Ren asked, as he pulled his hair up into a bun, “I’m hungry.”

***

Ren had the Uber driver drop them off at iHop. They got a table for four, and another table for all their luggage. Ren requested the packet of crayons and the placemat to color on. They settled into their booth and Ren opened the crayons and began drawing a lightsaber. He held his own lightsaber in his lap, glad to have it returned back to him. His parents had asked him to put it away in his bag, but he refused.

“General Organa, are you sure you weren’t here to collect new information on First Order weapons?” Ren asked.

Leia rolled her eyes and didn’t bother glancing up from the menu.

“I have better things to do than listen to another round of tiresome presentations on marginal, self-aggrandizing updates made to the same cheap blasters produced each year.”

“Self-aggrandiz--” Hux began, then bit his tongue. He looked back down at the menu.

“So how long have you two been together?” Leia asked.

Ren shrugged and filled in his red lightsaber. “A few hours.”

“We’re really not together,” Hux reminded them.

“That’s what Eduardo said at first too,” Han said.

Hux rolled his eyes and buried his nose in the menu and sipped his coffee, wondering how on earth he’d wound up here, at iHop with Kylo Ren Ben Organa-Solo and his parents, when he was supposed to be in a conference hall listening to poignant weaponry presentations.

“Then, six years, later, they were still together,” Han finished.

Hux nearly choked on his coffee, he looked at over Ren, eyes bulging. Ren avoided his gaze.

“You were with Eduardo for _six years_?”

Ren rolled his eyes. “It wasn’t really six years. It was more like five and a half. And we’d break up and get back together every few weeks anyways,” Ren finished coloring in his lightsaber with the red crayon, “So if you subtract those days out, it’s probably more like four and a half.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Hux muttered under his breath. Han chuckled and poured himself more coffee.

“Ben, the waiter will be back soon, honey,” Leia said, “You need to stop coloring and decide what you want to eat.”

“I already know,” Ben said, still focused on his coloring sheet, his tongue poking out of the side of his mouth in concentration, “I’m getting the strawberry and banana creme pie pancakes with a side of bacon and sausage and two eggs over easy.”

Han and Leia rolled their eyes.

“Do you know what you’re getting, babe?” Ren asked Hux.

“Ren!” Hux said, “ _Jesus Christ_ , I told you not to call me that!”

“Sorry, General.”

Hux shook his head and tried to completely disappear into his menu.

“So what’s new, Ben?” Han asked, “The last time we called you, you were going to buy a tree through a new developer on Endor?”

Ren’s eyes suddenly lit up and he put his crayon down.

“Hand me my backpack!”

Han reached over the back of the booth and gave Ren the backpack. He pulled his iPad out and put it on the table. He pulled up the photo of his tree and spun it around so Han and Leia could see.

“That’s the tree I’m going to put a deposit on soon. Hopefully this week,” Ren said proudly, “It’s only a few rows down from yours. About a kilometer I think.”

“It’s lovely, sweetheart,” Leia said, “It looks old.”

Ren nodded. “They said it’s a few hundred years old. I’m hoping I can buy it and have the house finished in time for the celebration of the Battle of Endor.”

Hux’s eyes bulged again and he looked out from behind his menu. “You celebrate the Battle of Endor?!”

Ren shrugged, “Yeah.”

“That’s the essentially the same as celebrating the fall of the Galactic Empire!”

“Right,” Ren said, “Without which the First Order wouldn’t be possible.”

Hux gave him an angry glare and went back to inspecting his menu.

“It’s fun, babe. They have fireworks and food and music and dancing. You should come this year. We can stay at my treehouse.”

Hux made a noise that was a cross between a yell and a pained sob, and then he got up from the table.

They all watched him go.

“Are you trying to kill him?” Han asked.

Ren rolled his eyes. “He’s fine.”

“Why is he here with you? Where’s Phasma?” Han asked.

“She’s sick. She’s back on the _Finalizer_ babysitting Millicent.”

“Who’s Millicent?” Leia asked.

“Hux’s cat,” Ren said, putting his iPad away and picking up his crayon again, “Can you guys put me in touch with the contractor you used? I’m going to want a pool installed in the treehouse.”

“I don’t think it’ll fit,” Leia said, “Maybe you should go check on Hux?”

“Sure it will. A small one,” Ren said, looking off in the direction Hux had gone, “He’s fine. Probably just having a meltdown. He doesn’t like me very much.”

“So is he your boyfriend or not?” Leia asked.

“Not really,” Ren said with a shrug.

“Well do you want him to be?” Han asked.

Ren shrugged as the waitress came back.

“Are we ready?”

“Yes,” Ben said.

“Honey, Hux isn’t even here.”

“It’s ok,” Ben said, then turned back to the waitress, “I’ll have the strawberry banana creme pie pancakes with a side of bacon, sausage and two eggs over easy. He’ll have whatever is mostly made of vegetables.”

***

When Hux returned he noticed the menus had been taken away. He sat down.

“What happened to our menus?”

“The waitress came back and I was too hungry to wait for you finish having your nervous breakdown. I ordered you whatever was made of vegetables. She said it was called a _Garden Omelette_.” 

“You ordered for me?” Hux asked in disbelief.

“Yep,” Ren said, and finished his drawing, “I drew you a picture too.”

He slid it over.

“It’s us outside of my command shuttle and you’re holding my lightsaber.”

Hux looked down at it. It was surprisingly good. Also, he hated to admit that he was, in fact, planning to order the garden omelette.

“Are you ok?” Ren asked.

“I’m fine.”

Han and Leia stared at the bewildering couple in front of them.

“So where did you grow up, Hux?” Leia asked.

“Arkanis,” Hux mumbled.

“The Academy. Of course,” Leia said with a nod, “Are your parents still there?”

“I don’t have parents,” Hux said.

“Oh,” Leia said. She sipped her coffee.

“That’s what I tell people too,” Ren said.

Hux rolled his eyes. Ren was working on another drawing now. They all sat in silence for a few moments, watching Ren draw. Hux sipped his coffee, even though he didn’t like it much.

“Hux made me eat vegetables yesterday,” Ren announced.

Han and Leia both wore a surprised expression.

“I ate cauliflower, carrots, kale, broccoli and squash,” Ren recounted carefully.

 _“What?”_ Leia said.

“I bribed him,” Hux explained, “I told him I’d stop asking about his ex, and I’d tell him about mine if he ate vegetables.”

Han laughed.

Ren was smiling, but his expression suddenly straightened. He sat up straight up like a bolt, his eyes wide. He froze in place, the hairs on his arm standing up on end. Han, Leia and Hux stared at him.

“Ben?” Leia said.

“Ssh,” Ren said. “Something isn’t right.”

“What do you mean?”

Ren stared into space for a few more moments, then turned his gaze to Leia.

“What did you do?” Ren asked her.

“What?”

Somewhere south of them, an explosion. The window panes shook, car alarms sounded, another baby wailed.

“The Resistance is here! What did you do?” Ren demanded.

“I didn’t do anything!” Leia said, “I didn’t authorize the Resistance to be here.”

“Well someone did, _General_ ,” Ren said through his teeth, “We have to get out of here now. They’re coming for you, Hux.”

“Me?” Hux’s eyes grew wide. Leia got up from the table.

“Yes, you. You’re a target,” Ren said looking out through the windows in the direction of the explosion.

Leia was already on her phone.

“The Resistance knows you’re here and now you’re in danger. This is why you weren’t supposed to come to this conference in the first place,” Ren said putting his crayons and iPad into his backpack, “I have to get you to safety.”

“Ben, you might be overreacting,” Han said.

“No, I’m not, Dad,” Ren said spitefully, “I need to get you to safety, Hux. Then go back for everyone else.”

“Go back?”

“The hotel.”

“The other officers are in danger?”

“Of course. This is why the Resistance is here,” Ren clipped his saber to the belt of his shorts, “All of our commanding officers are in one fucking place. Easy to take out.”

The waitress returned with their tray of food.

Ren looked at it. “We’re going to need that to go.”

**HOUR FIFTY-ONE [10 AM]**

Ren, Han and Hux stood on the sidewalk outside of iHop with all their luggage and their breakfast packaged in bulky styrofoam containers, as they waited for a new Uber. The scene outside was escalating quickly. Ambulance and firetrucks whizzed by, heading to the explosion site. Traffic was backed up with people trying to get out of the city. Police cars had formed barricades to block off certain streets. Ren stood protectively in front of Hux, his hand hovering over his saber and the other hand holding his strawberry banana cream pie pancakes.

Ren checked his phone. The Uber, a silver Toyota Prius, was still 3 minutes out. “Fuck,” he muttered.

Ren was looking around keenly, his ears pricked and his senses trembling. A few feet away, Leia was pacing the sidewalk, yelling into her phone, trying to figure out who would’ve authorized this.

“I’m going to get out at the hotel,” Ren said, “Dad, I need you to get Hux to the Airbnb house.”

Han looked at him, his expression deadpan. “You want me to escort the First Order General to safety.”

“Dad,” Ren said, rolling his eyes, “He’s not just the general, he’s my boyfriend.”

“I’m not your boyfriend. And I can get myself to the house, Ren.”

“Can you get him to the house or not, dad?” Ren asked, ignoring Hux’s words.

Han rolled his eyes, “Yes, Ben. I’ll get your boyfriend to the house. But you should’ve stayed with Eduardo. This wouldn’t have happened with Eduardo.”

“I don’t want to talk about Eduardo right now, Dad,” Ren turned back to Hux, “Once the hotel is clear, I’ll come get you. And then we’re leaving.”

“All flights are grounded, Ren,” Hux said.

“Fuck,” Ren muttered again.

Leia returned, fuming. “No one knows who authorized this.”

“What do you mean no one knows who authorized this?” Ren said.

“Do your troops habitually mobilize without being given a command to do so?” Hux asked, a bit haughtily, “My stormtroopers would never--”

“Are you questioning my authority and rank, General?” Leia asked.

Hux shrugged. “No. Just the training, discipline and quality of your troops.”

Down the block, another explosion.

“Don’t do this right now,” Ren said to Hux and Leia.

The Uber driver pulled up to the curb. Ren threw open the trunk and shoved their luggage in, forced it closed, then stuffed Hux into the tiny backseat and got in next to him. The Uber driver was old as hell, squinting at the directions to their drop-off location on his phone over the tops of his glasses. Ren sighed and rolled his eyes.

“Sir, I’m happy to give you directions.”

The man continued squinting as Leia squeezed into the back, sandwiching Hux in the middle while Han got into the front seat. Leia was on her phone again, yelling at someone else now. She slammed her door. They all held the iHop takeout boxes in their laps.

The man continued squinting at his phone.

“Sir?” Ren said louder.

The man looked up, startled.

“I can give you directions. We’re just going eight blocks directly south of here.”

“Alrighty, then. That’d be great,” The man smiled, taking his time affixing his phone to the holder clamped precariously to his dashboard, “I have trouble understanding the directions on this thing anyways.”

He was still fiddling with the holder. “My son helped me get this set up, but this is my first day as an Uber driver, so I’m still ironing out the kinks so to speak.”

“That’s great. We’re in a bit of a hurry sir. Maybe my dad can clip your for phone in for you if you could start driving?”

“It’s my first day with this iPhone device too. I had a _Jitterbug_ phone before this, but I had to have a _smartphone_ for this job.”

Han had taken the phone and was clipping it in. The driver was now trying to put the car in gear.

“Are you visiting? What brings you into town?” The man asked as he fiddled with the rearview mirror now.

“I’m here for work,” Ren said, “And again, we do need to get to our destination quickly if we could.”

“What do you do for work?” The man asked as he pulled carefully from the curb.

“It’s a long story,” Ren said, looking nervously down the road at the smoke billowing from the hotel.

The man slowly merged into traffic and accelerated to a blistering 25 miles per hour.

“Do you think you could drive faster, please?” Ren asked.

“Did you hear the city’s in a state of emergency?” The man said as he pulled over to let an ambulance pass.

“I did,” Ren said, growing irritated.

“Any idea what happened?” The man asked as he slowly merged back into traffic.

“Yes,” Ren said.

Leia hung up her phone.

“Still no clarification on who’s authorized this?” Hux asked, smirking.

“Don’t start with me again on this, General.”

“Ooohh, a general?” The man said, looking at Hux in the rearview mirror, “Are you military?”

“Yes,” Hux said shortly.

“No he isn’t.” Leia said.

“I am.”

“You’re not.”

“Sir, could you please drive faster?” Ren asked.

“Let the man drive, Ben,” Han said.

“I’d hardly call the First Order military,” Leia said.

“Then what would _you_ call it, General?”

“Oooohh, you’re a general too?” The man looked at Leia now, “Are you military?”

“Yes.”

“No, she isn’t.”

“I am.”

“You’re not.”

“Sir, I’m sorry, but you really have to speed up.”

“Ben! Leave him alone. He’s doing his best!”

“I can’t see too well anymore so I have to take it slow,” the man explained.

“Switch me places, Ren. I don’t want to sit next to your mother anymore. She just pinched me.”

“Mom! You pinched my boyfriend?”

“He deserved it!”

Ren and Hux struggled to switch places in the tiny backseat of the Prius.

“I’m not your boyfriend,” Hux said once they were settled into their new seats. The driver pulled over to let another ambulance pass.

“My son’s looking for a boyfriend,” the man looked at Hux in the rearview mirror, “Do you want his number? He likes gingers.”

**HOUR FIFTY-TWO [11 AM]**

They arrived at the hotel seven blocks and nearly 45 minutes later.

“Okay,” Ren said, trying to keep his tone gentle and patient, “I’m getting off here, but I need you to take the remaining people in this vehicle to the second address I entered for this trip.”

“Oh?” The man seem surprised, “You can do that?”

“Yes.”

He squinted at his phone again.

“Oh, I see it,” he said, pushing his glasses down, “Okay.”

He squinted intently at the phone.

“Once you start driving again, it will give you directions.”

“End trip,” the man said and hit the button that said END TRIP.

“No, no don’t--”

The trip ended. Ren rolled his eyes.

“Oops,” the man said.

Outside, a window a few stories up shattered.

“Ok, let me start a new trip,” the man said, fingers hovering over the keys.

Ren bit his tongue. “You know what? Nevermind. We’re all getting out here.”

***

Luggage and iHop box in hand, Ren swooped into the lobby. The scene had worsened. First Order personnel and Resistance troops were engaged in a standoff, the lobby marked up by blaster fire.

“ _Jesus fuck_ ,” he muttered, looking around at the disastrous impromptu hotel battle. Dwayne, the unfortunate manager, was crying from where he cowered beneath the remains of the check-in desk.

“STOP!” Ren yelled as he threw down his luggage, but kept hold of his pancakes. His single word resounded through the lobby, bouncing off of what was left of the walls and effectively stopping everyone in their tracks.

All but one. A single blaster shot fired, its intended target: Hux. Ren stopped it immediately, the laser itself having barely left the blaster. The brave assailant was singled out, lifted and slammed against the nearest wall. Voices murmured around the room. Ren moved Hux out of the way and let the blaster shot go, taking out the last remaining glass door behind them.

“Put your weapons down!” Ren yelled. No one moved. More voices murmured.

“Ren,” Hux whispered, “The Resistance doesn’t know who you are.”

Ren looked at their confused faces, then unclipped his saber from his belt and ignited it.

“It’s Kylo fucking Ren!” he screamed, “I’m hungover, I just had to leave iHop without eating my goddamn pancakes, someone used my saber to destroy this entire fucking city, the symposium has been cancelled, and I am thoroughly pissed the fuck off. So everyone put your shit down or I’m going to fucking lose it!”

Everyone put their shit down. Ren looked around, eyeing Resistance and First Order alike. No one moved.

“Resistance, who the fuck gave you the order to be here?”

No one spoke.

“Fucking tell me or I’m taking off someone’s head!” Ren screamed as he twirled his lightsaber for dramatic effect.

“Admiral Ackbar!” A voice yelled.

“ _Ackbar_?” Leia and Ren said simultaneously. Ren shook his head.

“You’re all leaving right now,” Ren yelled.

“I didn’t authorize Ackbar to mobilize any troops,” Leia said, “Resistance: We’re done here.”

No one moved.

“I said we’re done here!” Leia yelled.

The Resistance troops moved towards the nearest exit. Leia cursed under her breath. Ren kept his saber drawn and ignited, pushing Hux behind him as the watched the Resistance file out. Once they were gone, Hux turned to the First Order.

“Leave. Now. No shots fired. No words exchanged,” Hux said, stepping out from behind Ren, “Find somewhere to stay. Don’t tear it apart. Leave as soon as the flight ban is lifted. We’ll regroup later.”

The First Order filed out. Ren and Hux watched. Once they were gone, Ren got out his phone.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling an Uber so we can get the hell out of this hotel.”

**HOUR FIFTY-FOUR [1 PM]**

Despite the Airbnb rental only being 6 miles from the hotel, they arrived almost two hours later. The city was having a collective meltdown and their driver, the same driver who’d picked them up at iHop, now spooked by the ongoing violence, didn’t exceed 15 miles per hour for the whole trip. The phone’s navigation was the only voice in the car to speak.

Leia and Hux were both salty about how the scene at the hotel had played out, both looking out of their respective windows and refusing to speak, Ren sandwiched between them and munching on sausage links and pancakes. Han had shrugged it off and ate his T-Bone steak and eggs in the front seat.

The Airbnb rental was a condo in a towering high-rise. Ren had eaten his pancakes in the car and was hungry again by the time they arrived. He placed an order for chinese food as Han unlocked the door and let them in.  

The condo was sleek, minimal and modern with floor-to-ceiling windows that offered a view of the city. Normally, the view would be beautiful. Today, the view was mostly just of the destruction that had taken place below.

“You two can have the second bedroom,” Han muttered. Hux wheeled his suitcase in and straight down the hall, and so did Leia, both still angry about the hotel altercation.

“I don’t think mom likes your new boyfriend,” Han said.

“I’m not his boyfriend!” Hux yelled and slammed the guest bedroom door.

“You should’ve stayed with Eduardo!” Leia yelled and slammed the master bedroom door.

**HOUR FIFTY-SIX [3 PM]**

Hux had gotten hungry and emerged a couple of hours later for his omelette. Leia had already emerged for her breakfast leftovers an hour before. Ren was lounging on the sofa with his parents, surrounded by the remnants of chinese food. He was munching on gummy worms, lying on his back and looking at the tv. They were watching Mythbusters.

“Hi, babe,” Ren said, looking at him upside down, “Hungry?”

Hux muttered something and opened the fridge, emerging with his styrofoam take out box. He dumped the omelette onto a plate and stuck it in the microwave, got a knife and fork, then crossed his arms impatiently while he waited for it to finish. Once it was done, he took it out, slammed the microwave door shut and headed back towards the bedroom.

“Come hang out with us,” Ren said.

“I’d rather not,” Hux said.

“General,” Leia said, “I’m sorry about the hotel. I didn’t know Ackbar authorized anything. Come sit with us?”

Hux rolled his eyes, but moved towards the living room anyways. He settled in front of Ren with his omelette and utensils, seated on the floor and drawing his knees to his chest. Ren placed a kiss on the top of Hux’s head. Hux rolled his eyes again, but let Ren kiss him again anyways.

“Do you like Mythbusters?”

**HOUR SIXTY-TWO [9 PM]**

Hux, Ren, Leia and Han had spent the remainder of the day getting swept up in a _Chopped_ marathon before Ren and Hux had decided to turn in early. Before they’d gone back to the bedroom, Ren had kissed both of his parents on the cheek and told them goodnight. Hux smiled at him in the shower.

“What?” Ren asked.

“You’re not so insufferable when you’re with your parents.”

“Shut up,” Ren said, leaning in to kiss Hux.

“You promised me a blow job,” Hux said.

“You’re right, General,” Ren said with a smile, “How do you like your blow jobs?”

“What do you mean how do I like them?”

“What position?”

“What position? I don’t know. The one where your face is in my crotch.”

Ren rolled his eyes. “You’ve never gotten a blow job,” he said.

“I have.”

“You haven’t.”

“Yes, I have.”

“No, you haven’t,” Ren finished washing his hair and rinsed off.

“Get out when you’re done. And come sit on the edge of the bed.”

***

Hux, as instructed, had taken up his post at the edge of the bed. Ren was naked and waiting for him, stretched out over the comforter.

“That’s terribly unsanitary,” Hux said, “You’re the reason why I avoid touching the bedding at hotels and rental units. The comforter doesn’t typically get washed, you know.”

“Not my problem,” Ren said with a shrug and slid from the bed.

“And now you‘ve gotten me to sit here, on the comforter, unclothed.”

“You’re becoming what you hate, General,” Ren said and sank to his knees in front of Hux. Hux, already half-hard, gradually rose to full attention with Ren now in front of him, licking his lips and admiring his cock.

“So beautiful,” Ren murmured, still worshipping Hux’s cock. He stroked it a few times and kissed the head. Ren moved in closer then sat back on his calves. He licked his lips again and then took Hux in his mouth. Hux’s eyes fluttered closed as Ren sucked him off.

“I like you this way,” Hux said.

Ren looked up at him, his mouth full of Hux and his expression showing confusion.

“Your mouth full. So you can’t speak.”

Ren’s eyes narrowed. He popped Hux’s cock out of his mouth and stroked it a few times. Hux rolled his eyes.

“After I do this for you,” Ren said, “You have to do a favor for me.”

“What’s that?”

“I want you to fuck me.”

“What?”

“I want you to fuck me.”

Hux frowned.

“What? You don’t like to be on top?” Ren asked, smirking.

“I haven’t topped in years.”

“Correction. You haven’t topped ever.”

Hux silently cursed Ren, but made it loud enough to be sure Ren heard it.

“I think you’ll like topping. And I feel like getting fucked,” Ren said. “Do we have a deal? Or should I let you continue on your lifelong blow job-less streak?”

Hux rolled his eyes. “Jesus, Ren. Fine. We have a deal.”

Ren smiled and took Hux back into his mouth. He buried his face reverently in Hux’s crotch taking Hux to the back of his throat a few times before swallowing. Hux uttered a few _fucks_ , as Ren gave him head for the very first time. Ren hummed in response, the vibrations causing Hux to damn near come on the spot. Ren smiled and sucked Hux diligently, before pulling out.

“You can come. I like to swallow. And I’ll make sure you’re hard again and ready for round two.”

“I don’t need your permission to co--”

Hux lost his train of thought and tried to steady his breath as Ren took him into his mouth again, swallowing Hux’s cock, then coming up for more shallow kisses, his tongue swirling around Hux’s head, then swallowing him again. Hux came without warning, but Ren didn’t seem to mind. He swallowed. Then sat back on his calves and regarded Hux.

“So good,” Ren said.

Hux came back to his breath and watched as Ren wiped the corners of his mouth. “How do you want to have me?” Ren asked.

“Umm…” Hux thought about it, unsure of how to describe sex positions without sounding as clinical as he had the day before with his unappetizing mention of genitals.

“On my back with my legs spread wide open for you?” Ren asked it gingerly, as if he was asking Hux to pass the ketchup or salt, “So you can look at me while you fuck me?”

Ren looked up and rubbed his palms up and down Hux’s thighs carefully before dropping his gaze to Hux’s thighs and crotch.

“Would you like that, General?” Ren asked and looked back up.

“I suppose,” Hux said, “What if I’m not very good at topping, Ren?”

“Or do you want me on hands and knees so you can fuck me fast and hard? Leave bruises on my hips to see the next time I undress for you?” Ren let a hand trail up Hux’s leg to his pelvis and stomach, rubbing the red hair leading down to Hux’s cock.

“Maybe you should just do this,” Hux said, letting his fingers run through Ren’s hair.

“You’re going to do great, General,” Ren said, leaning down to kiss the head of Hux’s cock a few times, “You’re so fucking _perfect_. I’m going to like having you inside of me. Feeling you fill me up.”

Hux swallowed, feeling blood rush to his cock with each of Ren’s words.

“Your cock is wonderful. I could ride you? Fuck myself on your cock while you sit back and enjoy the show?” Ren held Hux’s cock in his hand and ran his thumb over the tip. “Or all of the above?”

“Frankly, Ren, I don’t think I’ll last long enough to fuck you through three positions,” Hux said, blushing a bit.

“You underestimate yourself, General. I think you could fuck me all night.”

Hux rolled his eyes, his fingers still in Ren’s hair.

“I really like cock,” Ren said, still rubbing over Hux’s slit with his thumb, “So I moan like a whore sometimes, but since my parents are in the living room watching _House Hunters_ , I’ll try to keep it down.”

Ren released Hux’s cock now and kissed his knee.

“I can’t wait until you’re inside me, General,” Ren said in a tone that was dangerously close to begging. He reached up and rubbed over one of Hux’s nipples, “Will you come again for me? And fill me up?”

“I suppose,” Hux said, trying to hide how much he couldn’t wait to fuck Ren for the first time.

Ren stood now. Hux was already hard again, his eyes watching Ren. Ren laid on the bed, on his back.

“There’s lube in my backpack. Get it,” he said.

“What, I’m your lube butler now?”

“Just get it, General.”

Hux rolled his eyes and dug through the remaining snacks and Capri Sun packets in Ren’s backpack before emerging with the lube.

“You mix your lube and snacks,” Hux observed.

“Squirt some onto your fingers,” Ren said. Hux eyed Ren, but did as he was told. Ren bent his knees up now and separated his legs. He stroked himself slowly.

“And by some I mean a lot. I haven’t been fucked in a while,” Ren said, “Eduardo didn’t much care for being on top.”

“Why is everyone always talking about Eduardo?” Hux mumbled as he spread lube on his fingers.

“Put a finger inside of me. Slowly.”

Hux moved closer to Ren and pressed a finger to his entrance, trailing around the rim first before entering. Hux pushed his finger in and Ren made a small noise that Hux found upsettingly cute. Their eyes met and Hux worked his finger around.

“Add another,” Ren said after a few moments. Hux added a second.

Ren moaned a bit and wiggled his hips lower. Hux pressed one hand to Ren’s belly and rubbed over his abs, trailing down, then stroking Ren’s cock a few times.

“Add another,” Ren said. Hux added a third finger and bent to kiss Ren’s forehead. He fucked Ren slowly with three fingers and then kissed his lips.

“Fuck me now,” Ren said.

“You’re still pretty tight, I think, Ren.”

“I know that. Position yourself between my legs and fuck me.”

Hux pulled his fingers out and did as Ren asked, lining himself up with Ren’s entrance.

“Push in slowly at first,” Ren said, looking at Hux. Hux nodded and gently entered Ren, holding his legs up and open and taking his time entering. Ren moaned a bit and fidgeted.

“Is this ok?” Hux asked.

Ren nodded, “It’s good,” he said.

Hux entered slowly until he was buried entirely in Ren. He rested there, then pulled out, then went back in. He did that a few more times, speeding up. Ren moaned.

“You’re doing well, General,” Ren said.

“You like having my cock inside you?” Hux asked.

Ren smirked at him surprisingly, “I do,” Ren said.

“Do you like being on top?”

“I do,” Hux said with a smirk.

“I knew you would,” Ren said, “I like it rough, General. So fuck me as hard as you’d like.”

**HOUR SIXTY-THREE [10 PM]**

Hux had worked up a sweat. He had Ren on all fours now and was pounding into him as hard as he possibly could, his fingernails buried in the skin of Ren’s hips.

“Can’t believe you haven’t bothered to be on top before, General,” Ren managed to say, “You’re a natural.”

“Quiet, Ren,” Hux said.

“And you like to give orders when you’re on top,” Ren said, “Of course you do, General.”

Hux grabbed Ren’s hair and pulled. “ _Quiet, Ren._ ”

“And you’re into hair pulling? It’s my lucky day,” Ren said with a smile, his neck exposed now with Hux tugging on his hair. Hux fucked into him while pulling back on his hair. Ren moaned, trying his best to keep his noise level down.

Hux released him. “Ride me.”

***

Ren rode Hux. Hux lying flat on his back in bed, his hands resting behind his head as Ren bounced up and down on his cock.

“You’re beautiful,” Hux said flatly.

“Thank you babe,” Ren said somewhat breathlessly, “So are you.”

Hux rolled his eyes as Ren kept riding him.

“Why are you rolling your eyes?” Ren breathed.

“I told you not to call me that.”

“You don’t like pet names, General?” Ren said, still a bit short of breath.

“I don’t.”

“I’m close to coming, babe,” Ren said.

“Not on me, hopefully.”

“What I can come in you, but not on you?” Ren asked. He hadn’t slowed in his bouncing up and down.

“Correct,” Hux said, “I don’t want your stickiness on my skin while I’m trying to sleep.”

Ren rolled his eyes, “Well where do you expect me to come?”

Hux shrugged. “A sock, perhaps?”

“ _A sock?_ ”

“It’s really not my problem, Ren. I’m going to finish inside of you. You’ll have to figure out what to do about your own situation when the time comes.”

“Damn it, Hux,” Ren said, letting his head fall back.

Ren rode him anyways, stroking himself while he did. Hux still rested there with his hands behind his head, smirking at Ren.  

“I’m going to fuck you so hard tomorrow for making me do this,” Ren said.

“Do what?” Hux asked as Ren came into his hand. To Hux’s surprise, Ren managed to catch most of it. Hux came too, moving his hands to hold Ren’s hips as he finished inside of him.

“What are you going to do now?” Hux asked, coming back to his breath, “With a handful of your own come?”

**HOUR SIXTY-FOUR [11 PM]**

Ren and Hux curled up in bed together, their breath becoming more even and Ren’s fingers intertwining with Hux’s over Hux’s stomach.

“I’m almost afraid to ask,” Hux said, “But is this a first for you?”

“What?”

“Sneaking out to the bathroom with a handful of come while your parents sit in the other room?”

“Shut up, Hux.” Hux snuggled back into Ren’s body more. An alarm on Hux’s iPhone chimed. He silenced it.

“What was that?”

“An alarm.”

“I know that. What for?”

“To signify the end of my sixty-four hour sentence with you. This is the time we would’ve returned to the _Finalizer_ if we’d left after the conference ended today.”

“You’ve been counting down the time?”

“I was.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t like you, Ren.”

“Oh,” Ren said softly.

Hux sighed. “Well, I _didn’t_ like you,” he said, “When we left sixty-four hours ago.”

“And now?”

“You’re not so bad I suppose.”

Ren smiled. “You’re not so bad either.”

Hux re-laced his fingers with Ren’s so it was tighter.

“Goodnight, General,” Ren said and kissed the back of Hux’s hair a few times, “You did really well on top. Thank you.”

Hux smiled into the dark and squeezed Ren’s fingers. “You’re welcome, Ren. Goodnight.”

**HOUR SEVENTY-SIX [11 AM]**

The world’s slowest Uber driver had been on deck the following morning to pick them up and drop them at the airport. The ride had taken a cool three hours, with man nearing a staggering 50 miles an hour on the freeway. Ren had begrudgingly left him a five star rating anyways as they waited in the security line. After they’d gone through security, Ren hugged his parents goodbye at his and Hux’s gate.

“Call us when you put down your treehouse deposit,” Leia said as she hugged him, “Or just call us anytime. We like to hear from you whenever we can.”

“I will, mom.”

“And be nice to your boyfriend,” Han said as he hugged Ben next.

Hux gave up on the _I’m not his boyfriend bit_. To his surprise, Han and Leia hugged him goodbye too, then they parted ways to go on to their gate.

Ren wheeled Hux’s suitcase for him again, all the way to the shuttle and loaded it into the overhead compartment. They sat down for take off, Ren in his seat and Hux behind him.

“You don’t want to sit next to me, General?”

“I thought that was your row.”

“I can share it with you,” Ren said, “Also, my retainer is here!”

Hux cursed the retainer and moved to sit next to Ren. When Hux sat, Ren gave him a kiss on the cheek, then held his hand, bringing Hux’s knuckles up to his lips and placing a kiss there too.

“We have a seven hour trip home,” Ren said, “That’s enough time to finish Degrassi and have sex again. What do you think, babe?”

**HOUR SEVENTY-EIGHT [1 PM]**

Hux rode Ren in reverse cowgirl as they watched Degrassi.

“I can’t believe I’m here with you doing this,” Hux said.

“Still in denial, babe?” Ren asked as rubbed circles on Hux’s lower back. Hux moaned.

“Stop calling me that,” he said through his teeth.

“Sorry, General.”

Hux rode him angrily and watched TV.

“What’ll happen when we get back to the _Finalizer_?” Ren asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Will you still … will we still be together?”

“We aren’t together.”

“Well I’d like to be.”

Hux stopped riding Ren, coming down to rest fully on his cock for a moment before getting off and standing in front of him, crossing his arms and scowling. Ren admired him.

“You don’t want to be with me,” Ren said, lowering his gaze a bit. Hux sighed, softening his expression and straddling Ren’s lap, his knees pressed into the sofa.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be with you. I just don’t think we _can_ be together.”

“Why not?” Ren asked, stroking his own cock, “Here. Sit.” Ren aligned himself with Hux.

Hux sighed and eased back down, then resumed riding Ren at an easy pace.

“The entire First Order already knows we’re together. Instagram did all the heavy lifting for us.”

“Making out at a bar and having sex is different than being in a sustained relationship,” Hux said as he slowly bounced, sweat gathering on his brow.

Ren held Hux’s hips, guiding him up and down. “Well I want to be in a relationship with you, General.”

“We can’t.”

“Why not? You keep saying that, but you haven’t actually said why exactly we can’t be together. What’s keeping us apart?”

“Because we’re… I’m General Hux. You’re Kylo Ren.”

“So?”

“We hate each other.”

“So?”

“I hardly know you outside of work.”

“So get to know me.”

“I doubt we’d be compatible, Ren.”

“You say this while you’re riding my cock.”

Hux sighed and came down to rest.

“I like you,” Ren said.

“You’re just rebounding.”

“I’m not. I’ve always liked you, General.”

Hux sighed and looked at Ren closely. His eyes. There was something different. _Longing._ Hux let out an irritated exhale.

“Don’t give me those eyes.”

“What if we just enter a trial relationship?” Ren asked.

Hux sighed and resumed riding Ren at an easy pace again.

“A 30-day trial? What is this, Ren, a toaster oven infomercial?”

“Hear me out.”

Hux looked at him.

“We can just give it a try,” Ren pleaded, “A few months. If it doesn’t work out we can go back to hating each other but secretly thinking of each other while we jerk off alone in our beds at night.”

“That’s ridiculous, Ren.”

“Which part?”

“A few _months_?” Hux said.

“What?”

Hux stopped riding him. “A couple weeks. Tops.”

“A couple weeks? We can’t know in just two weeks whether or not we can be together.”

“Sure we can,” Hux said.

“Eight weeks,” Ren said.

“Four.”

“Six.”

Hux considered it. “Fine. Six.”

Ren smiled and wrapped his arms around Hux’s lower back and hugged him. He leaned up and kissed Hux’s lips.

“A six week evil space boyfriend trial membership,” Ren said with a smile. Hux tried to keep a straight face, but eventually broke a smile too. He resumed riding Ren.

“Hurry up and finish inside of me,” Hux said, “I need an orange soda.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, oh. Despite my best efforts to reel it in, this fic has spiraled out of control, descending to the treacherous lowest circle of Dante's famed Inferno, where it then morphed into a cracked out disaster of a series and emerged with about 3,000 more words than I'd intended. 
> 
> In Part Two: Hux and Ren enter into their evil space boyfriend trial membership period, where they take turns choosing dates and hate fucking each other. Hux takes Ren to a vegan restaurant and to see the Imperial Orchestra. Ren takes Hux to a dance club and teaches him to twerk. Millicent likes Ren more than Hux, Phasma ships it, Ren puts down his treehouse deposit, and the pair attend the Starkiller Base inaugural gala together, wherein a small moon is blown up and Ren wears a ball gown.


End file.
